America at its best is the land of opportunity. It’s a place where (on paper at least) anyone from all walks of life can find success, happiness, and financial stability through hard work and perseverance. Of course we all know now that is complete fairy tale bullshit, but once in a while someone will come along who so thoroughly beat the crap out of the odds against them it’ll make you believe the American Dream is alive and well!
That is the case of local crust punk Jack “Jack Knife” Clemmons, who through grit and determination has become his scene’s doctor after scoring an old lab coat while dumpster diving behind an abandoned hospital.
“No one believed I’d ever amount to anything more than a purveyor of catalytic converters and stolen stereo equipment, but that was the old me. I knew I could be something more if I just applied myself, and the regional hospital shutting down was just the kick in the pants I needed to do something important. I was just planning on stripping the copper wires out of the walls, but the moment I fished that soiled lab coat out of the dumpster with all the other medical equipment, I knew I could totally use it to pick up chicks. So that’s Doctor Jack Knife to you all.”
For those of you questioning his qualifications, ponder this: is he any less qualified than anyone overseeing Health and Human Services? Exactly. And unlike those ghouls, Jack actually dresses like he belongs in the healthcare sector, stains and all. Plus he has like ten stethoscopes and a bunch of pens from pharmaceutical companies, so he looks totally legit.
“A few people have questioned my credentials, but I just show them all the tubes and syringes and shit I got in these coat pockets and they shut up pretty quickly. Plus this hospital threw out like, a hundred pads of prescription slips so I’m hooking up all my buddies with as much Valium as CVS has in stock. I just want to take care of my community.”
Talk about bootstrapping! And he did it in a fraction of the time than those super nerds who graduated Harvard at 17-years-old. It just goes to show all you need is a little ingenuity, a good eye, and the ability to stay ahead of when the town’s medical facilities schedule their dumpster pickups.