Hey, kid. I may not be a household name, but back in the day, I was one of the in-demand session players. From ‘80 to ‘84, I was untouchable on the bell. They called me Tinnitus, ‘cause I couldn’t stop ringing.
See, I started off in my local church, doing the hourly peals on a part-time basis. But in 1970, when I heard “Black Sabbath” by Black Sabbath on Black Sabbath, I had an awakening. Bells weren’t just for signaling the time of day. They could fucking rock.
Trouble is, bells are a bitch to lug around, so I didn’t get much action. I was a force in the local scene, though. I’d volunteer with the Salvation Army every Christmas and go ham on the little handheld bells. The hard work paid off. In 1980, I got a call that changed everything.
Aussie rock legends AC/DC needed a kickass way to crack open “Hells Bells.” I told that schoolboy Angus Young “I got one word for ya pal: a bell.” I knew it was a big deal, since Bon Scott had just suffered a rock star’s untimely death. I dragged over the best bell I could get from the foundry and let it rip, immortalized on Back In Black forever.
Just a few years later, those guys in Metallica offered me another gig on “For Whom the Bell Tolls.” It was “bong, bong!” all over again. At this rate, I thought, I’d be shredding the Liberty Bell in no time.
Now, you’d think that being featured on not one, but two iconic albums would result in goddamn megastardom. Yet I write this just before cleaning the shitters at Taco Bell. For some reason, I was never asked to tour as a hired gun; I suspect Lars harbored some envy.
Not only that, I got blacklisted from those sweet church gigs. They kept dropping that bullshit “devil’s music” excuse every time I flashed my resume. In 1994, I tried like hell to get on Pink Floyd’s “High Hopes,” but no dice. They had already landed the dude who maintains Big Ben.
Now I’m reduced to making some field recordings that I hawk on Bandcamp and fx sites. Those booming tones are a dying breed. Pisses me off when those pussies resort to backing tracks live. More bands need people like me. I mean, just look at the platinum records on my wall. Bells used to sell.