Investing is a perfect metaphor for life. Make shrewd decisions now, and your future self will thank you. However, while this approach might work for some, I needed something different. Therefore, I’m investing in myself, not as though I’m a publicly-traded reputable business, but rather a cryptocurrency with an obnoxious name whose value is artificially inflated by scam artists taking full advantage of an unregulated market.
This all started with my friend, Gianna. Seven years ago, she was unemployed, living in her younger cousin’s attic, and we’d spend hours drinking room-temperature Seagram’s and watching “The Hills” compilations on my phone. Now she’s fully sober with a house where she grows lettuce or something and works as a nurse at the free clinic. It was actually her who told me I should “seriously start investing in” myself, right after I was telling her I figured out the perfect method for pacing myself so that I’m always right below the legal limit when I leave the bar.
I totally dismissed this at first, on account of it being too hard and whatnot. But then, I heard about what a crypto pump & dump is and considered how I could translate this sort of duplicitous financial action to my daily life. I was ready to make a change.
All you need to know about a crypto pump & dump is that it involves convincing people that something not only worthless but also, essentially non-existent, has value. And then you reap the rewards. It’s truly amazing what can happen with the right mix of persuasion and gullibility.
And so, I now spend as much time as I can, not working on myself and practicing meaningful self-care, but thinking of myself in the most baselessly narcissistic terms possible while envisioning a future of comfort and renown I know to be entirely out of reach. It’s a real rush!
This won’t stop with me, either. The time has come for me to use these skills to deceive others. I will overhype and underdeliver to the best of my ability. Not only will I deliver less than was initially promised — I won’t deliver anything at all. But that won’t stop me from once again touting my supposed future potential, all as my inherent lack of value becomes all the more apparent.
Oh, and doing an actual crypto pump & dump will definitely be part of this.