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I Put My Chucks on One Foot at a Time and Before My Pants, Like Anyone Else

I Gotta eat and piss and shit like everyone, I need to sleep and breathe. I put my Chucks on one foot at a time, and before my pants. Like anyone else.

Hey! I get it. I’m “Different.” Whatever the fuck that means to YOU. To me, it don’t mean SHIT. Because we ain’t different. We’re all human FUCKING beings. I’m like you: I bleed red. Sometimes I ooze more of a purple/black and under less than ideal circumstances hygienically, but we are still the same! Especially in the ineffectual way we apply our footwear.

We’ve all been fired from the Dairy Queen at the mall because our ‘tone’ was ‘scaring customers.’ We’ve all looked those customers in the face and said “FUCK YOUR KID’S FUCKING WHALE CAKE!” It’s what makes us human, just like our daily morning struggle to get our skinny jeans over our high top chucks.

Like you, I got two pairs of pants that I cycle through and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna unlace these all stars every 10 days just to do that. It’s basically the only shoe you can do that with which is both the reason I stole them and the reason I don’t know how long my toenails are.

Rich, Poor. Fat, Old. Stupid, Lazy, unemployable, bad son, stank-y: These are just labels. A true measure of a person is what’s in their sole. And for me (and as we’ve established, you as well) those soles are quite worn.