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I Have A Doctor’s Note to Be Too High for My Shift at Cheesecake Factory

Duuuuuuude. I know. I’m like 20 minutes late for the mid shift and you look suuuuper pissed off. Like mad mad. But here’s the thing, OK? I’m straight up waaay too ripped to work today. And like… for sure… that sucks and stuff, mainly for you and Rick and Megan and Vinnie and it looks like Teandra is back there doing her thing, it definitely sucks for you guys. But I’m just waaay too blasted for this shit today, and you can’t be mad, OK? Because I have a doctor’s note to be too high for my shift at Cheesecake Factory.

C’mon, don’t be mad like that. Here’s my note, it’s my weed… er… I mean medicine card so I can get my prescription when I need it. The doctor I got it from was so chill. You should meet him! He has this office over on Franklin. It’s the building with the cool ass sign on the front that’s one of those green crosses but it’s got legs and glasses and a stethoscope. At first I was like, “hey, is that actually what the doctor looks like cuz that would be a total trip, dude!” It turns out the doctor was just some dude in an Affliction T-shirt though.

He was super chill. But, you know, they won’t let you just have a weed… er… I mean medicine card unless you have a reason. And I got a big reason! Sometimes things get hard to do and it bums me out. I’ll be like telling guests about the different kinds of cheesecake we got and I start to get super bummed. The doc said whenever I feel bummed to take my medicine and I’ll forget what I’m doing and won’t be bummed anymore.

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I woke up late this morning and it got me so bummed out. So I took my medicine from this sick new four-chamber bong I call Maximum Toker Drive. And man… I’m so not bummed… I can’t go to work. I’m just waaaay too roasted and toasty.   

Wait, have you been a mannequin outside of JC Penney’s this whole time? Shit. Welp, can you just tell my manager Brad I can’t come in today? And make sure to tell him I have a doctor’s note to be completely fucking lit this morning, waaaay too stoned to work today, waaay too stoned.

Article by Goodrich Gevaart @goodrichgevaart