It’s been days since we were first trapped inside this supermarket by the mist. Anyone who goes outside is doomed to be butchered by horrible alien monsters lurking inside the white haze. Supplies are running low, and people are starting to get paranoid. What I’m saying is no, I don’t want to listen to your band’s new song.
I didn’t want to listen before I saw a man get bisected by a vagina crab monster. What makes you think I want to now?
Shame on me for thinking it’s inappropriate for you to start playing your dumbass indie song after we watched that teenage ginger get dragged into the mist by a giant veiny, alien tentacle. Hot take, I know. Maybe if I had more respect for independent musicians, it wouldn’t have peeled the kid’s skin off like fruit roll-up.
That supply run out to the pharmacy would have gone flawlessly if we hadn’t been ambushed by those giant spiders. And what woke up the spiders? Was it the guy who started talking out loud about which reverb effects he used on his vocals? Or maybe the guy who put earbuds on the corpse stuck to the wall, which was obviously filled with baby spider monsters, to “make sure he can hear the cool bass riff in the interlude.” Wait, that was you! You did both of those things!
They say the mist monster rampage was the result of government boogeymen tampering with eldritch powers beyond their understanding. Not unlike how you’re tampering with these hands if I see you pull out fucking SoundCloud again.
Why were you in the supermarket to begin with? Oh, right. You work here.
Somehow, it’s the people inside who are scarier than the monsters outside. Take away only a few modern comforts and society collapses, good people go insane. You’ve said “big things coming” enough times now that everyone in the store believes you’re a prophet and are starting to form a cult around you. I bet it’s nice to have more than three followers for once.
I’ve had enough. I’m making a run for it with my son and these old people. I’m fully aware that the military is about an hour away from saving us, but I’m still going to kill them and myself because your new single sucks that much donkey dick.