It’s happened. The day has come. Your beloved white friend has asked you to give their favorite Wilco album a listen. They have sworn up and down that they’re just like Cake and while you’re not so sure, you give it a listen to humor them. It is, predictably, absolutely awful.
So how do you tell them? Do you come out and say it? Do you use a message in a bottle, or perhaps a carrier pigeon? Worry not. This doesn’t need to be hard, and I will hold your hand as we decode the caucasian psyche together.
Tone and Tact
The cultural hurdles set up by white people are numerous, but using the few things we do know about their behavior, this can be a painless conversation. To avoid any faux pas, you may want to avoid mentioning a passionate and incandescent hatred for Wilco—white people are known to startle when their opinions are not enthusiastically agreed with. You cannot rely on their inherent prohibitive shame nor their frequent oblivion to save you from an outburst. You’ll want to remain impartial, detached, and prepared for the worst.
Location, location, location
It’s important to recognize that where you are can impact the outcome of a potential conflict. White people are often soothed by the presence of other white people, so you will want to immerse your friend in a comforting and familiar environment before dropping the news. This will also reduce the likelihood of loud white fussing. I recommend a boutique coffee house in a gentrified neighborhood, or perhaps a particularly narrow aisle of the Trader Joe’s frozen food section.
Compromise
Another thing you can do is meet your friend in the middle. Invite them to your local open mic night, or share your favorite Spoon vinyl. Offering a compromise can make your friend feel less like you are rejecting their taste, and more like you’re “fucking stupid” and can’t appreciate good music when you hear it.
Distraction
Like small dogs or seagulls, the average white person’s attention span is short lived. You can easily distract them from the fact that you simply cannot fucking stand Wilco. Some things to try could be asking their thoughts on Timothee Chalamet’s Willy Wonka, or asking them to help you decide between apple spice and vanilla pumpkin for your seasonal candle selection.
Classic White Guilt
The most important thing you can do here is relieve your white friend of any hurt by blaming yourself for not enjoying Wilco. By turning the conversation into one of your own shortcomings, your white friend will be able to tap into their ancestral savior complex to tell you that no really, it’s totally ok, and that they sort of figured it would go over your head anyways.