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How To Tell the Security Guard at the Drug Store You’re Not Shoplifting, You’re Just Incredibly Stoned

It’s 3pm on a beautiful Tuesday afternoon and you’ve been home all day. You lick the strawberry rolling paper of your joint and set off on your walk, puffing along happily when it hits you: there are zero snacks at home. You step through the drug store’s automatic doors, pajama pants blowing in the cool air conditioning but you soon realize your worst fears may be coming true. The security guard is giving you the side eye. Here are a few ways to convey to them that you’re not shoplifting, you’re just incredibly stoned.

The Inquirer
So you’ve been blankly pacing the “as seen on TV” aisle for a little too long, you can at least admit that. But the seasonal scrub daddies are just SO CUTE. Then, the feeling of someone watching you starts looming. This is a moment when the informational overload surrounding you will come in handy. Just pile that fucker up with questions. Can you make cookies with the George Foreman grill? Do they know that the oxi-clean guy died?? No sober person under 70 would be that enthusiastic about the home shopping network. The only downside is that now you’re going home with a slap chop. But at least that means dinner will be easy!

The Fake Phone Call

You’ve moved on to the snack aisle. This is where you really shine. There are 3 new novelty flavors of potato chip out and gummies are 2 for 1. This is an area that’s ideal for the Fake Phone Call. Get on the phone with that “loved one” who desperately needs to know about today’s selection of chocolate-covered nuts. HINT: Try to work in the phrase “munchies” every 7 ½ words.

The 70’s Dad
Perhaps the most straightforward on this list, this one may involve some expert physicality. If the security guard makes prolonged eye contact with you, simply push your pointer finger and thumb together and bring them to your mouth alla a tokin’ dad from the 70s. And if they don’t get it? Easy! Just pretend that you have bad allergies. Though if they think you’re inviting them out for a smoke? Sorry bud, you’re screwed.

The Silent Treatment

Don’t! Gather your loot, go nonverbal, and get the fuck out of there. Just pray to the AI gods that the self-checkout works properly. Happy munching!