Listen, it seems like you’re a little upset now that you know I embellished certain aspects of my resume to land this interview, but I think that’s a pretty standard phenomenon among job applicants. As far as I’m concerned, a counterfeit MBA from NYU Stern School of Business and a false claim of 8 years at Citadel is no different from misleading bullet points about supposed Spanish-speaking or C++ skills. With all that being said, let me tell you about a surprisingly applicable work experience that I actually have: a 2007 appearance on the popular VH1 dating show “Rock of Love.”
You may be asking yourself how that could possibly translate to success at one of the country’s biggest hedge funds. Well, let me ask you this: what’s of utmost importance in working here? No, well, yes, I would presume a thorough understanding of market dynamics is indeed invaluable, but I was talking about networking. I know that what I’m lacking in professional experience can more than be made up for in what I honed through the various alliances I forged in ensuring I was the 7th runner-up in winning all the affection Brett Michaels was able to muster while the cameras were on.
Also, one cannot excel in a hedge fund without attention to detail, and what did I do after noticing Brett graphically describe his arousal to the camera after seeing my left breast come out of my top while pole dancing in the first episode? That’s right. I made sure it happened two more times throughout the remainder of the series’ duration, which was pivotal seeing how far I made it, especially after I learned that he had referred to me as “dumb as shit” on more than one occasion.
I would also imagine that telephone negotiation skills are needed in this industry, and I proved my prowess during the phone sex competition in which my performance increased the measured blood flow to Brett’s penis more than that of 80% of the other contestants. I assure you, he didn’t think my presence was an “unforgivable HR fuck-up” as you’ve outspokenly noted several times since this interview started.
It seems like you’re really determined to bring our discussion to a premature close, which I don’t really understand, but I’ll respect your time and work with you in that so we can each be on our way. As such, I’ll forgo going into detail regarding the pertinent demonstrations of teamwork and collaboration inherent in the amazing chop block I executed during our mud football game that resulted in Lexi making it into the endzone, but to say it was instrumental in me getting some alone time with the bandana-clad heartthrob in the Affliction shirt would be a huge understatement.
No, there’s no need to call security. I’ll show myself out, but I’ll close by telling you that, while my skills may be unconventional, I have no doubt that they make me the most qualified candidate for this position. I’ve made it exceedingly clear that a broken heart and a perfectly manageable case of antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea are far from the only things I took away from my time in that rented Los Angeles mansion, but I’ll let you be the ultimate decision-maker there. OK, I’m done, and again, I’m perfectly capable of finding the exit unescorted. Thanks again for taking the time to discuss the position with me, and I’m looking forward to hearing from you about a second interview! How does this work, do I get a rose or something?