Press "Enter" to skip to content

Help! Twitter Has Radicalized My Daughter into Thinking Astrology is Real

Look, I’m not stupid. I always knew my daughter Monica could be at risk for this kind of thing. She’s always been a “creative” type, coloring in her nails with Sharpie and continuing to watch Steven Universe at age 17, among other unusual habits. But the situation has become dire.

My daughter is being destroyed by an online community who sincerely believes astrology is real.

This insular coven of bohemians has corrupted my odd but ultimately harmless daughter into a dour enigma who struts around the house declaring “it’s Leo season, bitch” before tossing her little brother’s cut-up grapes across the kitchen like confetti, totally unprompted.

Sure, all teens are moody, but I hate to see that irritability channeled into something so nonsensical. Her room is plastered with enough charts, diagrams and symbols to solve a cold case, and she’s always leaving her tarot cards around the house, exposing my young son to nudity, the occult, and images of goats in positions I’m pretty sure goats were never meant to be in.

Obviously, her studies have been affected. She was always a solid student, at least, but now she insists that “Western education” is biased towards “boring-ass earth signs and people with charts seriously lacking in Sagittarius placements.” She stayed home from school with a “headache” for three days before I could finally get her to admit she was refusing to leave the house because Mercury was in retrograde.

Unfortunately, her Twitter account doesn’t offer many clues to her mental state. In fact, she doesn’t share any of her own thoughts at all, opting to retweet meaningless photos with indecipherable captions and only adding a menagerie of emoji or an occasional “lmao.”

I’m worried the bright, artistic young woman we once knew will disappear altogether. With any luck, she’ll eventually grow out of it and move onto the next fad.


The joys of raising a Gemini…

Photo by Mirinda Moriarty.