Press "Enter" to skip to content

Help! Make-A-Wish Gave This Kid A Sword, But It Turns Out He’s Much More Powerful Than Originally Perceived

Let me be the first to say, the Make-A-Wish Foundation is great. Ninety percent of the time they get it right, but after seeing a 41-pound child with a sword behead an entire hospital wing, I can’t help but blame them.

Tommy Johnson is a terminally ill 9-year-old. He never says much, but boy was he excited when the Make-A-Wish Foundation came and brought him the medieval great sword he requested. Nobody expected him to use it, much less with extreme proficiency. Tommy warped a kind gesture into a means of conquest.

If anyone can read this, I’m begging for your help. I fear I am next.

Related: Critical Oversight: John Cena Let This One Lucky Make-A-Wish Kid Pin Him for the WWE Title, but Now He’ll Have to Defend It This Sunday vs Kane


Every hour, on the hour (I think- the passing of time eludes me as I hide under this crash cart), Tommy slams his weapon against the ground, screaming. I now believe this makes him stronger.

This all started maybe two days ago. He has seized the other patients’ wishes and used them to lure a slew of charitable celebrities to their doom. As his strength increases, I foresee only darkness.

Tommy is glaring in my direction as I write this. He knows. I don’t have much longer. I really should have turned off the “typing sound” feature on my phone’s notes app.

If you’re reading this and eligible for Make-A-Wish, for God’s sake, send drone strikes.