Well, I did it! After weeks of updating my resume, blasting job sites, and interviewing for several positions, I landed the most impressive-sounding job I’ve ever had! But oh, no! The last few likes on my “dream job” post trickled in days ago, and now there’s nothing left to do but work this fucking job! Help!
I used the “dream job” label pretty loosely. It just sounds so perfect for the post. The “fucking told you so” call to my dad was liberating. Texting former coworkers that I’m better than them now was gratifying. But blasting my achievement on social media was just pure bliss! The number of likes on my “new job” post rivaled all my dumb friends’ weddings and firstborn child posts. Those life events don’t even get the added bragging avenue of LinkedIn! With all those likes and comments rolling in, I felt like an influencer.
Welp! The honeymoon’s over, I guess. I milked it for all it’s worth, and now I’m buried in work at my dumb new desk. It’s not even work-from-home! I even tried a follow-up post of me on my first day, but it only got 6 likes cus everyone was probably like, “Yeah man, you fucking told us already.” Unless I just subtly drop it in conversations with strangers, there’s no other way to eke more immediate gratification out of this!
Here’s the thing about finding good work—it’s still work! The worst thing there is! Your job could be eating ice cream all day, it doesn’t matter. The second someone says “Eat this ice cream when we say to or you will be homeless” you won’t want to do it!
Man, getting a new job is like all of my sexual encounters. I climax before the job even starts, and now someone is mad at me because I lied about my past experience. Except, in this case, I really hope they don’t throw me out. My mom would be so pissed. Even as I write this, my boss is just staring daggers at me, expecting something that I have no idea how to do. Like, who can conjure up 3 Disney memes in one day?! No one. I had one about the sexual tension between that human woman and a bee, but “Bee Movie” was Dreamworks!
I gotta get out of here. It’s for the best. I’ll get to live at my mom’s a bit longer (which will delay her new boyfriend from moving in), and I can really focus on drafting a new “new job” post!