In an age when the news cycle can feel like nothing but 24/7 gloom and doom, it’s easy to succumb to feelings of hopelessness and despair. It’s that exact backdrop that makes this uplifting story such a gift to the world — a rising tide of hope that truly raises all ships.
Martin Schill is a 41-year-old self-described crypto-bro who, overhearing a table of much younger women criticizing capitalism, inserted himself into their conversation to “correct” them. He started pontificating on how the finance world is actually “very punk,” a tired and absurd sentiment people at his level of ego often need to believe, and to speak on as if it were their own original thought to begin with. Several of the women had their hands on mace cans and keychain stabbing implements, about to do something that would land them in jail, when suddenly, a miracle happened.
Just as Schill had finished saying the words “I actually consider myself to be an anarcho-capitalist,” a bird flying overhead dropped the biggest load of bird shit anyone involved had ever seen directly into his smug, open mouth.
Sometimes, the word ‘beautiful’ just isn’t enough.
Anarcho-capitalism is a philosophy that boils down to the abolishment of the state in favor of total corporate control. It’s a term used by the Elon Musks of the world and their sad-sack jackass acolytes so that they can feel “punk” about being the complete and total antithesis of punk. To see someone karmically retributed for saying it so immediately is enough to make the most devout atheist feel that the universe is a rich tapestry sewn by a divine hand.
Eyewitnesses to the shitting unanimously described it as “everything you could hope for.” Schill’s reaction was visceral and immediate. He reportedly screamed, in a voice muffled by bird shit, “Oh my god! A bird just took a huge shit in my mouth! Help me!” I actually screamed, “Help me.”
Schill went into a full-body convulsion, frantically wiping his mouth and spitting before crying, “It’s sticky! It’s sticky and bad, and I can’t get it out! Oh god!” and sobbing like a child. Then he started vomiting, which you would think got all the bird shit out of his mouth, but nope. He started wailing, “Oh my god, it’s so sticky the puke is just rolling over the bird shit, oh my god what do I do?!” Then he shit himself for some reason. Maybe in his panic and confusion, he thought that would help? It did not help, but his story has given us all the feels, including mild arousal.
It just goes to show you, not all heroes wear capes. Some of them have wings and eat something they shouldn’t have out of a Chipotle dumpster, then evacuate said food into a deserving human mouth.
