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Given That I’ve Exhausted My Library of Believable Excuses, I Feel I Should Tell You I Don’t Like Your Band

Hey! Just wanted to pop in and express my apologies for not being able to come to your show the other day. I hope it went well. My aunt’s funeral? What are you… Oh, right! I mean, oh… right… It went fine. Very tasteful service. Hmm? No I don’t know why they scheduled it at 10 pm on a Saturday, you’ll have to check with her next of kin. I’ll definitely have to check out your next show though.

What’s that? You’re having one tonight? Well, as much as I’d love to make it, unfortunately, I have to…

Ya know what let’s just cut the bullshit here. The fact of the matter is I can’t keep coming up with these elaborate stories as to why I can’t come to your shows. It’s fucking exhausting. Your band fucking sucks. There, I said it.

I know we’re good friends and all but it needed to be said. You know I’ll always support you, and part of that support is building a house of cards with excuses but I just can’t anymore. You guys are beyond terrible. I’d rather listen to two cats in heat who have my parent’s names and can speak English. You guys have no business holding instruments or being up on stage and we’re passed the point of politeness. God your art is awful.

Oh, I’m the asshole here? Well what kind of friend doesn’t take the fucking hint that I don’t want to come to your shows?! Why did you keep forcing me to come up with those cockamamie excuses as to why I couldn’t come? Do you think I like pretending to kill off random relatives of mine? Do you have any idea what that’s doing to my karmic alignment? Don’t make me out to be the bad guy.

Your reaction right now is exactly why I had to make up reasons why I couldn’t come to your shows. Besides, you had to have an inkling that I was trying to spare your feelings. You didn’t actually think I was actually the one driving Elon Musk’s spacecar, did you? And no, I did not spend last weekend single-handedly tearing down the border wall. Any shock you’re feeling right now is on you.

Oh come on, I can’t possibly be the first person to have said this to you. Okay fine, you made me feel bad. I’ll fucking go… unless something comes up.