Oh no, it happened again! Looks like your neighborhood crust punk got scared and scratched your kid after she got too close to his Marlboro stash, and you’re considering a declawing procedure, but not so fast! Before you resort to such a cruel and unethical approach, try considering these five humane alternatives.
Scratching Post
Did you know providing your neighborhood crust punk with a scratching post will give him a safe outlet while cutting down on potential outbursts? Make it familiar by constructing it out of old Discharge and Nausea patches. This will undoubtedly hasten his acclimatization to the post, and thus make him less of a liability to your neighborhood’s residents.
Beer
Remember, a sleeping crust punk is not going to be a danger to others. Moreover, a crust punk who is getting proper rest is much less likely to lash out at those around him. Leave a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon near his mattress every night, as this will help put him to sleep and keep him from prowling the neighborhood. Helpful tip: try switching to Pounders to save money.
Guitar
Give your neighborhood crust punk a guitar to keep him occupied. It does not have to be particularly fancy, as anything with a high gain humbucker will do. Remember, the goal is to keep your crust punk occupied. You don’t care about the music he plans on playing, and you certainly don’t want to hear it. As such, under no circumstances are you to provide him with an amp!
Tattoo Gun
Provide your crust punk with a tattoo gun so he can focus his time and energy on developing the craft that all crust punks inevitably end up focusing on. Not only will this give the crust punk a fulfilling pastime and thus keep your loved ones and neighbors safe, but it will help him become a productive, taxpaying member of society once he gets good enough to open his own shop. Also, you’ll have a hookup once you decide to get that Amebix tattoo you’ve been thinking about!
Euthanasia
It should go without saying that this alternative should only be considered as a last resort. Nobody wants to explore this option unless it’s absolutely necessary, which is unfortunately sometimes the case. Neighborhood crust punks can occasionally be beyond saving, but you should only draw this conclusion after all other alternatives have been attempted.
There you have it. Hopefully you were able to solve the problem without resorting to Number 5, but if not, stay tuned for our upcoming article on how to talk to your child about the sudden disappearance of your neighborhood crust punk.