Ugh, goddamnit. Looks like Mom and Dad found that eighth you were storing under your mattress, and they got it in their heads that you need some wholesome, godly activities to fill your time. Now your Thursday nights are spent over at St. Agnes Parish, watching shitty reruns of “Touched By an Angel” and listening to some 27-year-old creep named Brett with a shitty goatee play open chords on his acoustic guitar. You fucked up, dude, but don’t worry, we’ll help you take care of it. Here are five black metal shirts that’ll be sure to get you booted from this Christ-draped nightmare. You’ll be back to playing Rocket League and practicing your bass in no time!
Aw yeah, you can’t go wrong with a tried-and-true staple of the genre. One look at Mayhem’s logo and you’ll be out on your ass faster than you can say “Freezing Moon”, which is fine by you. Brett gives you the willies, anyway.
What, so nobody takes umbrage with Brett’s Skillet shirt, but the second you show up advertising Rotting Christ’s stellar debut on your torso, all proverbial hell breaks loose? Eh, whatever. Not like you’re complaining. Who’d have thought the Catholic Church would have a problem with Hellenic black metal?
Oh no, you showed up to Youth Group in your Watain shirt, and on the day the class was going to watch “God’s Not Dead”. Rats. Looks like you’re missing out on a truly enriching evening. You’ll just have to go skating with your friends instead of pretending that Kevin Sorbo doesn’t totally eat shit at everything he’s ever attempted. What a bummer.
Look, we can argue until we’re blue in the face about whether Sarcofago is early wave black metal or just thrash metal, but just look at that shirt. Brett’s going to have a goddamn shit conniption when he sees it. Hell, you might not even get kicked out. Class could just be canceled after a blood vessel in his brain balloons to the size of a fucking garden hose upon glimpsing it. We bet the students he’s been openly leering at would appreciate that, so go ahead and don this bad larry.
Now who doesn’t love a little Gorgoroth? Pay no heed to the fact that their band name is taken from “Lord of the Rings” (honestly, though, those chucklefuck Christians probably find that offensive as well). This band is evil as fuck. Watch some videos of them playing live if you don’t believe us, because you sure as shit won’t be wasting any more time in Youth Group after wearing this shirt.
