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This Fire Just Started, Let’s Give it a Chance!

Hey everyone, I heard a commotion here in the living room. Sounds like you guys are all freaking out about the curtains being on fire? I think you’re being very unfair to a fire that has only just started. You all need to chill out and give this thing a chance.

Look, these curtains are gonna be on fire whether you piss and moan about it or not, so let’s just see what kind of job the fire does, OK? I know if we had it your way the kitchen wouldn’t currently be engulfed in flames, and I would’ve respected that. But that’s just not what happened.  

I’m gonna laugh when these flames make this apartment better. You’ll see.

What you see as a situation escalating dangerously, I see as an exciting opportunity to address some of the things we weren’t doing well as roommates. You know how there was always pizza boxes stacked up in the kitchen and we couldn’t get to the toaster? Well now those boxes are on fire and all of the bread is toast now. What part of this being good for the house aren’t you seeing?

Related: Fake News Must Be Stopped Unless It Supports My Wildly Inaccurate and Misinformed Beliefs

I also heard you guys talking about moving to a different apartment, and I really think you’re getting ahead of yourselves. Even if the door is obstructed and our oxygen is quickly depleting, there’s no reason to move. We have everything we need right here in this crumbling apartment. Remember how cold it was in here earlier today?

Plus, I personally think that it might be your complaining about the fire that started it.

I guess I can see how this looks bad if you only listen to the shit mainstream fire departments tells you. But you need to start thinking for yourself a little more. Just trust me, everything will be fine. This fire is a good thing for this house. Maybe if we’re lucky after it tears our home apart in a blaze of death and destruction it’ll also burn the 3 million illegal immigrants who voted for Hillary.