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What Your Favorite Black Flag Singer Says About Your Relationship With Your Dad

Let me begin by saying I am not an accredited psychologist. I’m just a quirky 20-something freelance journalist trying to make some fresh web content that resonates with other urban-dwelling 20-somethings who have a similar cultural upbringing as me. It’s just a bit of fun, OK? I have no idea how your relationship with your dad is. How could I?

In fact, I don’t even have a very good relationship with my dad, if you must know.

I try to reach out and build a better relationship with him, but it’s all a wash. He told me he was watching Game of Thrones, so I started emailing him my theories about R+L=J and he responded, but like not for like a few days, you know? So, things aren’t bad with him, but they’re not good either, if that makes sense. I think he always wanted me to become a CPA.

Anyway, here’s your fuckin’ list thing or whatever.

Keith Morris

Verdict: It’s bad.

Keith is the original singer, which means you appreciate the classics. He’s also like, really chill, you know? He seems like he’d be a laid back dad who would respect your choice to pursue subculture-oriented lifestyle journalism. If Keith is your favorite Black Flag singer, you probably talk to your dad like once a month. Unless it’s Game of Thrones season, then it’s more like once a week (but you can tell he’d prefer if it was only once a month.).

Ron Reyes

Verdict: It’s bad.

Jesus, what? Who even are you?

Frankly, if Ron Reyes is your favorite Black Flag singer you’re probably the kind of person who never finishes what they start. I mean, what was he in the band for like two weeks? You’re insane and I bet your dad read that article you wrote about trying those Sugarless Haribo Gummy Bears and shitting your pants at the Dillinger Four show and hated it. That article was also vapid and pointless. I’m surprised you even got another paying writing gig at all after that.

Dez Cadena

Verdict: It’s bad.

What is this, some kind of abandonment/replacement thing? You get your feelings of fatherly affection from a guy who dresses up like Frankenstein and hangs out with Jerry Only? You’re a fucking dork.

I bet your dad hates you, honestly. I bet every night before he goes to sleep he looks up at the ceiling wondering if he could have retired a few years sooner if he had just talked you out of going to Yale all those years ago. I mean if you were going to devote your life to quirky listicle trash like this, why did you even need a private education? You could have done the same exact thing with a degree from Arizona State.

You fucking suck.

Related: I Lived a Week as Ian Mackaye and Found out Most People Don’t Know Who That Is

Henry Rollins

Verdict: It’s bad.

What are you even doing anymore? Do you think anyone who reads this isn’t going to see right through you? Call your therapist, this is not an appropriate way to express your emotions.

Just kidding, you fucking can’t call your therapist. You fired him because he had an Insane Clown Posse keychain and wouldn’t stop suggesting you write jingles for a living. Like your father would respect that any more than he respects your current lifestyle. How hard is it to learn accounting?

Mike Vallely

Verdict: It’s bad.

Is there any way out at this point? What can I do besides write articles like this? It’s all I know. What do I do, move back in with my parents? Get an internship? A 30-year-old intern at Middle Island’s best accounting firm …

Yeah dude, you’re fucking 30. You may live like a teenager, but you’re 30 and all you have to show for it is an article about giving yourself a champaign enema with Action fucking Bronson and a sinking feeling that this it never going to get better.

Should I blow my fucking brains out? Let me know in the comments below!