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My Editor Sent Me to Interview Lil Uzi Vert and His Crew Would Not Stop Roasting My White Ass

Last week my editor sent me to a Bed Stuy warehouse space to interview a rapper currently blowing up the music world, Lil Uzi Vert. Unfortunately for Hard Style, I ended up not getting a word with the artist, who just released his debut album “Luv is Rage 2.” But I did hang with his crew who would not stop roasting my dorky white ass.

As I entered the hip loft space Lil Uzi had converted to his “promotional dojo” I realized the space was just like the apartment from the movie Big, complete with a Pepsi machine, basketball hoop, trampoline, and that piano you jump on to play. I said hello to everyone in the room: D-Rel, Lil Scooty, Pooh Bear Da Punisher, Big Squeaky, Fred-Zilla, and OG Eddie. As I gave everyone daps I realized Lil Uzi was nowhere to be seen. I also noticed as I made my way down the line from Lil Scooty to Fred-Zilla, the handshakes got more and more complicated, so much so that Fred-Zilla (a tall skinny man with orange ear plugs in and an anonymous mask slung round his neck) just clapped four times and did a 360 spin. I was dumbfounded.

“Dis mufucker don’ know about the ‘connect four’?”

Everyone laughed.

“They sent another corny-ass white boy to talk to Uzi? Ay man, how many black folks work at your office?” asked Lil Scooty.

I was taken aback. This wasn’t what I expected, I had a notebook full of questions for Lil Uzi.

“Well there’s Terrance, I guess.”

The whole group laughed louder.

“Why the one black dude in the office always gotta’ have the whitest name ever?” cracked Pooh Bear.

OG Eddie chimed in.

“Uzi in the Skype den talkin to Power 106 right now so it gon be a minute with ya’ Buddy Holly before the plane crash lookin-ass.”

“Yeah have a seat,” said D-Rel gesturing to an oversized bean bag chair that looked like a dinosaur. “And no you can’t puff trees with us. Unless you got $20”

Related: Amazing: This Guy Gave up His White Privilege to Be a Cybergoth

I was there for two more hours and the following are the names these men called me:

Kombucha-Slurpin Sad Man

The Bodega Bummout

Dr. Rent-A-Car-Return-On-Time


Dog Mouth Kisser

Gap Jeans & the Gentrifiers

Hunky Dorky & The Honkey Bunch

Bitch-Ass Lookin Like He Complains at the Post Office

Lil Dick Jefferson

Terrence’s Worst White Friend

Big Squeaky eventually informed me I’d have to reschedule my meeting with Uzi.

“And next time see if Terrence wants to come thru. I wanna know the real talk on your Etsy store ownin’ ass.”