Wow thanks Mom…and Dad.
Look at this fat sack of shit. Can barely even keep his eyes open. Sorry, I’ll try to keep it down over here with all my wrapping paper crinkling and jovial conversation. I know, I’m the worst! Let’s let him rest; he must be so tuckered out from all the shopping and wrapping he was surely engaged in all week. One would think he would want to enjoy the look on his only son’s face as he opens the NutriBullet he asked for, but nope, not my Dad! He 100% already knows what every present is since they’re all from Mom AND him, right? Right?! So no need for him to be conscious for any part of this.
I ought to wake his ass up and quiz him in front of everybody. You want 50% of the credit, motherfucker? Tell me what this oblong-shaped thing is in the purple wrapping paper, right now! He’d be all stuttering and flustered and shit. Whatever, I won’t give him the satisfaction of ruining my own birthday party by causing a scene, but I think I’ve sufficiently illustrated my point to myself. He’s just like the dumb kid who throws his name on the group project after only writing one sentence about photosynthesis. It’s bullshit!
I’m pretty sure Dad didn’t even realize it was my birthday until the waiters started singing. But I guess because he technically paid for everything, he gets a free pass? You know, this whole dynamic is yet another reminder of our society’s capitalist, patriarchal norms. This is not what presents are about! To reduce them to their monetary value, a bill of goods, transactional and cold. I personally sent Mom a neatly typed, bullet point-formatted email with Amazon links for all this stuff because, unlike my cynical father, I still believe in the sanctity of presents.
Aye, the elegant dance will play out as it always does, with Dad turning on the TV and me crouching down to give him a side hug while he’s sitting back in a recliner. We know deep down, against all odds, you love us in some capacity, just not enough to care about your adult children’s birthdays and the gifts they are rightfully owed. I just want you to know, I forgive you, Dad, and I promise I will Zelle you for the rest of the phone bill once I get paid next week.
