WASHINGTON — Comedian and actor Cheryl Hines nervously worried that her husband, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr., was not the same collection of neuroses and dangerous conspiratorial thoughts he was when the two married, confirmed sources.
“I very much knew what I was getting into when Robert and I tied the knot,” said Hines. “When we met, he was down on fluoride, and he’d deposited a bear carcass or two in places that, well, no guy I’d dated before him had, I’ll tell you what. But he couldn’t do much about any of that. But lately, I’ve been wondering—between the red-meat-only diet, the ‘vaccines don’t not cause autism’ stuff, the peptides—is this the RFK Jr. I said ‘I do’ to all those years ago?”
Kennedy, naturally, took a different view from his wife.
“Look, in no part of the DSM is whatever I have accompanied by the word ‘consistency,’ understand?” said Kennedy between bites of raw meat. “Me, I’m a magpie, I pick and I choose the unverified conspiracy theories and novel neuroses to build the man I am, and I won’t apologize for it. In fact, I will make public policy based on it, and if Cheryl takes issue with that, well, that’s a bigger conversation between myself, her, and the American public I lash out at.”
Paul Robeson, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, has been doing his best to monitor the couple’s ups and downs.
“What’s happening with Secretary Kennedy and Mrs. Hines is something any couple of sufficient longevity can face: whether or not a kook remains the same kook as the years together start to add up,” said Robeson. “Now, I haven’t been seeing the two of them for very long, but, from what I have seen, I can tell you the crank who walked through my door as part of mandatory treatment following his confirmation to HHS in February of 2025 is the same crank I know today.”
At press time, Kennedy was seen scrolling a phrenology forum, while Hines was drafting an email to divorce attorneys.
