Throughout the ‘90s and early 2000s, audiences simply could not believe their ears when ax-man Tom Morello plugged in his six-string. The sounds, otherworldly. Alien howls, jizzing robots, and that “wicca wicca” turntable sounding thing thrilled audiences across the globe. But how does he do it? Apparently by being a big fat fucking liar!
Back in the late ‘90s, The Hard Times Investigative Unit received an anonymous tip regarding suspicious guitar activities from the Rage Against The Machine maestro. Regrettably, our priorities at the time were primarily focused on the bombshell that Marilyn Manson was that one kid from The Wonder Years. Decades passed, and the lead went cold, but still the thought gnawed at me. I can play guitar too, but it doesn’t sound like R2D2 getting his ass eaten out. What gives?
Over the ensuing months, our team scoured over 150 hours of footage of Morello shredding and began to notice inconsistencies. His hands would sometimes remain stationary on the neck of the guitar during solos or they would be violently tugging at the whammy bar during whammyless parts of the song. Sometimes it appeared that his guitar was not plugged in or even had strings at all. And during one particular Audioslave show in Boulder, CO he appeared to be playing a six-foot Italian sub sandwich that was poorly disguised to look like a guitar. It was during this performance that we noticed all of his guitar parts sounded like they were chewing on prosciutto and the case was blown wide open.
It was the perfect crime. Many lead guitarists play while standing in front of a microphone in case they need to sing “whoa oh oh” or yell at the sound guy. However, upon closer inspection, you will notice Morello is not merely making the standard orgasmic expression expected of rock guitarists; it’s full-on ventriloquism. A quick background check of his transcript confirmed it. In 1990, he dropped out of guitar college after only one semester to pursue voice acting. This guy is the freaking Michael Winslow of alterna-protest rock and we had no idea!
There was only one thing left to do. We ambushed Morello in the waiting room of his urologist’s office. In a full-on end of Tootsie-style rant, he confessed everything — Zack De La Rocha is a hologram, all of their albums were recorded by session musicians, they’re not renegades of funk. He even admitted that Tim Commerford wasn’t protesting anything when he climbed the scaffolding at the MTV Video Awards; he just likes to climb scaffolding.