2019 was a simpler time. We had no idea a global pandemic was coming our way that would upend life as we know it, but for a brief shimmering moment in July 2019, we all came together to laugh at a viral video of a man freaking out in a bagel shop. That man is Chris Morgan, some call him the Bagel Boss, and we wanted to catch up with him to see how he’s been doing the last few years and ask his thoughts on the government’s Covid-19 response.
Bagel Boss: …and I don’t like you coming in here looking at me like I got six heads. I don’t have six heads, you jerkoff. So wipe that dumb smile off your face and treat me with some respect because I ain’t afraid of you.
Hard Times: You got it, I was just wondering if you wanted me to take my shoes off before I came inside.
BB: Don’t get cross with me. I got two deadly weapons attached to the ends of my arms. Lefty and Righty and they want to send you to the morgue, you got that?
HT: I read you loud and clear. So, how have you been? We heard you had a stroke. That’s very scary. What’s the recovery been like?
BB: Don’t you pity me, that makes me sick. I actually feel bad for you. You look like a ghost, your skin is gray and weird. I sort of want to puke looking at you. I’m fine; you are the sick one.
HT: I have a bit of a thyroid issue, but that’s being managed. Thank you for noticing that though. A lot has changed since your video went viral. Covid-19 changed the world, how do you feel about jurisdictions mandating masking in public?
BB: Let me tell you this, I was at the Crawski’s Deli, they have the best ham in New York, and some woman tried to tell me I needed to wear a mask and I said to her “You’re not my god, you’re not my father, and you’re not my boss, but you make a great point about public safety” and I gladly masked up.
HT: So you support masking?
BB: Absolutely, you would have to be some sort of shrimp dicked loser to think wearing a mask is harmful. They’re a good precaution against airborne diseases, even if some studies have proven they aren’t as effective as we once thought. Better safe than sorry.
HT: You’ve obviously given this a lot of thought.
BB: You’re damn right, and you know what else I’ve been thinking a lot about? Why do dating apps ask how tall you are? That shouldn’t matter. I’m fucking funny, I’m a good guy, it shouldn’t matter how tall I am.
HT: Yeah man, I get it, it’s tough out there.
BB: Look man, I’m getting tired. I want you out of my apartment in ten seconds or I’m going to put my foot so far up your ass your gums will have athlete’s foot.
HT: Thanks for talking with me today.
BB: Fuck you, fuck your mother, and fuck your stupid dog if you have one.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
