Welp, your sole pair of Wranglers that you wear to work, shows, dates, restaurants, and even funerals now has a hole in it. We would advise patching it up, but you certainly don’t have the mental wherewithal for that. Instead, we’ll introduce you to 5 lesser-known thrash metal bands so you can at least adopt the lifestyle you’re now cluelessly appropriating. What else are you going to do, buy a new pair? Yeah right.
Hirax
These Orange County thrashers have released 6 full-length LPs since — sorry, how old are you? How have you made it this far in life without obtaining a simple sewing kit? We’re happy to introduce you to all these killer bands, but honestly, you need to get your shit together. Anyway, Hirax’s first album dropped in 1985, and they’re still going strong today. Check them out if you’re not going to comport yourself like a fucking adult.
Razor
Let’s go north of the border to check out these Ontario psychos, but first, what exactly were you doing when you got that gigantic hole above the left knee? We’re just hard-pressed to understand how a grown man can find himself in this situation. At any rate, Razor is sick as fuck. We really like “Violent Restitution” and “Shotgun Justice,” but honestly, you can’t go wrong with any of their efforts if you’re going to insist on continuing with this charade.
Xentrix
Are you even enjoying these bands so far? Be honest. Thrash metal isn’t for everybody, so it’s okay if you don’t, and there is a very simple alternative to this. No? Okay, well Xentrix is a lamentably overlooked British band that would definitely appeal to casual thrashers who have only really listened to Metallica. You have checked out the first 4 Metallica albums, right? No? Ugh, Jesus Christ. Well, Xentrix is an awesome band. Go ahead and check them out, we guess.
Tankard
Hell yeah. Tankard has put out a whopping 19 full-length albums since they formed in 1983. They’re from Germany, and we’re willing to bet they know how to sew, so maybe you should give them a listen. Then again, you’ve never even heard “Master of Puppets,” so you know what? Do whatever you want. We can’t believe we still have another band left.
Sunn O)))
The fact that you’re seriously reading this shows we’ve completely wasted our time here. Sunn O))) is a drone metal band, which is clearly the opposite of thrash. Close this article and fix your fucking pants. Now.