Has this ever happened to you? It’s Saturday night and you’re at some fancy Italian place munching on Endless Salad and Breadsticks. The waiter brings your pasta, you jam your ham hocks into those mushy Italian flour snakes, bring it up to your unhinged jaw, and before you know it your once magnificent beard looks like a god damn crime scene. Unfortunately for all beardos, eating pasta in the totally normal way of using your bare hands is an absolute nightmare.
Beards are wonderful because even though they’re more germy than a Port Authority toilet seat, women go crazy for them! But what can be done to retain the ultimate majesty of your beautiful beard while two-fisting angel hair pasta just as the Lord intended? Here’s 5 magnificent beard styles and what you can do about it!
The Van Dyke
This classy, detached beard and curled mustache has found homes on the faces’ of historic fuckheads like General Custer and more recent assholes like Johnny Depp. However, it’s tough to keep it classy when that first clump of bare-handed noodles drops unceremoniously in your face pubes. I recommend a tactic called “The Baby Bird.” Tllt your neck 90 degrees. Now, visualize your hand as a momma bird, the pasta as worms, your mouth the baby, and your beard the nest. Then drop those worms directly in your speak-and-eat hole.
Also, be sure to have someone available to perform the heimlich because you will 100% choke doing this.
The Lumberjack
Fun Fact: every man that grows this big, long, bushy beard is trying to make up for their total lack of a personality. This look says “I make shit with my bare hands” even if you’re only using those bare hands for some of that delicious pasta fazul!
If you want to keep your beard clean, try dumping all your pasta into a plastic bag, then strap the handles around your ears. Boom! You’ve got an on-the-go noodle feedbag for driving, work meetings, arraignments, or really any occasion.
The Beard with No Mustache
Also known as the “Half Man,” this look is sported by many weak, impotent men who won’t let something as small as not being able to grow a mustache stop them from looking like utter trash. Here’s the good news – if this is your style, you clearly have no shame and you almost definitely have no romantic companion, so make all the pasta mess you want.
The Fu Manchu
I feel racist just saying the name of this beard, let alone advising people who wear it. If you’re gonna eat any kind of noodles with your Fu Manchu and bare hands please leave me out of it.
The Riff Raff
For the lucky few who don’t know, Riff Raff is a white rapper that came to life after a Houston meth head wished on a falling star that his Monster Energy Drink could become a real boy. Mr. Raff’s pencil-thin beard meanders and zig zags around his face. Our advice is nothing. Italian slop covering most of your cheeks could only be an improvement.
Buon appetito!