Let’s get this out of the way up top: Just because I haven’t washed my dishes in a week doesn’t mean I’m depressed. I’m just innovative. Why do all that work when my apartment is filled with perfectly suitable food delivery surfaces? I’m actually the truest embodiment of the DIY lifestyle, and if your sink isn’t brimming with old, moldy dishes, then I question your place in this scene. Get on my level:
Tupperware Lid
I guess the more technical term for it is Reused-Land-O-Lakes-Whipped-Butter-Container-Functioning-As-Tupperware-Until-I-Hit-It-Big-And-Can-Afford-The-Real-Stuff-One-Day Lid. I used the actual container for cereal yesterday morning. And last night. And this morning. So I’ve pretty much maxed it out until I get around to washing my dishes. And at that point, why eat out of a clean old butter container when I can use a clean bowl instead? Point being, I ate reheated steak and cheese taquitos off a Land O Lakes lid.
Dog Bowl (Clean)
Obviously, I wouldn’t eat out of a dirty dog bowl. I don’t have a dog, which is why boiling and eating Picante Chicken Ramen out of a metal dog bowl is clean and safe. Would I recommend it? No. Would I do it again if necessary? All signs point to Yes.
Frisbee
Nothing screams “I’m fine and I don’t need to address the growing pile of dishes in my sink” like a good, old-fashioned white bread and ketchup sandwich on a free Frisbee I snagged from the local college’s club activity fair. It wasn’t my college, but the Make Libertarians Great Again Club didn’t know that when they were giving away all their free “No Handouts, Just Bootstraps”-emblazoned merch. Once the ketchup and crumbs have build up, you can’t even read the dumbass slogan anyway.
Dog Bowl (Dirty)
I know what I said. But here’s the thing: I still don’t have a dog. I just wrapped the dirty Ramen dog bowl in clean tin foil and BOOM — clean dog bowl. As for what I did with it, see Dog Bowl (Clean).
Old ‘Crotchety Goblins’ Record (Scratched Beyond Repair)
Man, if you’ve never heard Crotchety Goblins, you’re missing out. But hey, I’m feeling generous, so here’s what I’ll do. Just Venmo me $35 + shipping fees (@Crotchety_Goblins_Band) and I’ll send you one of our records — I’ve got loads of ‘em sitting around. Obviously we made them for listening, but I accidentally scratched up a few so now I use them as makeshift charcuterie boards. Just arrange some stale saltines, shredded Kraft singles, and cut up Slim Jims, and you’re about to be the fanciest motherfucker in the scene.
Of course, when I run out of every item that conceivably serves food, it’s time for me to do the dishes… By which I mean throw out every dirty cup, bowl, and plate, then sneak back into the college dining hall to steal some more.