Red Hot Chili Peppers are just a band. Sure, I’ve heard a few parts of their songs, and yeah, I might have become a little irritable listening to them, but one time, I made it through an entire Sugar Ray album without snapping. That’s some real mental fortitude.
A little RHCP can’t possibly be that bad, could it? I’ve been told it isn’t advisable to do this sort of experiment without a proper EMT on standby, so it’s not recommended you try this yourself, but really though, listening to three songs from some silly 90s rock band can’t possibly be that hazardous to your health.
“Tippa My Tongue”
It says here that the first song we’ll be hearing is a tune called…..uhhh “Tippa…..My…..Tongue.” Sounds great, let’s begin!
It starts off pretty interestingly enough with all the “yas” and such. I could see this making a few people angry and frustrated for a number of reasons, but I think I can handle it.
I believe he just said the phrase “funky monks.” Yeah, I’m starting to feel it a little already, it’s like a slight feeling of nausea. But a little Pepto-Bismol would probably take care–oh, I’m not allowed any sort of medication during this. That’s fine! I can do this! Remember, Sugar Ray album.
Okay, I’ve gotten through all 4 minutes and 21 seconds of “Tongue,” and I feel a little dizzy, but I’m good! I can’t see it really getting much worse than this.
“The Shape I’m Takin”
Next up is “The Shape I’m Takin’.” I feel like I’ve gathered myself a bit, since that last song, so let’s do this.
Oh man, this one is already worse. Why does he keep singing like he’s getting dizzy? Am I supposed to be getting dizzy with him? Because I am. It’s a fairly uncomfortable feeling. At this point, I can’t help but wonder why or how anyone would willingly put themselves through this sort of treatment. Did he just say, “Pizza turd, turd, turd?” What the fuck is going on here, man?
There’s “funk” again. Nothing he says makes sense. What are those drums doing? Is it getting really warm in here? I can’t feel my legs right now.
“Hump de Bump”
Please, I beg of you. Just give me an extra 5 minutes before we go on to the next one. I’m starting to smell burnt wires. Anyone else smell burnt wires?
Hump de what???? Please, I have kids! I have a wife! I can’t have them all knowing a couple of shitty funk rock songs brought their loving father and husband to the brink of insanity! Oh god,”Co-dependant hump de bump?!” What the fuck is that?
Uh-oh, my chest. What is this I’m feeling in my chest? I need to call 911. Ahhh, my hands are much too sweaty to hold the phone to dial myself. God it’s so hot in here. Someone PLEASE help me, I can’t do this anymore.
Make it stop, for the love of all things decent in this world, please make it STOP. I beg of you, as a grown man brought to tears, down on his knees, please just make it all STOOOOOOPPPP.