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10 Reasons I Decided to Become a Stay-On-Tour Dad

It used to be when I wasn’t on the road with my band, Impenetrable Dust, I was at home cranking out the jams of love with my beautiful wife and kids. I loved being able to do both. But lately the balance between the two wasn’t living up to my inner stage plot. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do both forever, especially on the eve of my band dropping our sophomore album, S’cuse Me While I Kiss The Dust.

It was a really hard decision to make, but I stepped up to the front of my brain-stage, put my foot up on the monitor-of-thought, and threw my decision-pick into the face of life. I decided to become a stay-on-tour dad.

Here are my reasons why:

1. My Kids Look Better on FaceTime

I love my beautiful children’s faces … just not in person.

2. Lack of Freedom

When I’m at home I can’t shit on the walls and pee on the toilet seat like I do at every venue. Believe me, I’ve tried. It gets messy in more ways than one.

3. Per Diems Are Too Low

My wife says I should be able to survive on $25 a day. Bro, that barely covers my five Starbucks Oprah Cinnamon Chai Lattes® for the day!

4. My Kids Can’t Tune a Guitar for Shit

After two hours of, “tuning,” I get my axe back and every chord I play sounds like Sonic Youth.

5. Lack of Appreciation

In 10 years of marriage my wife has never applauded for an encore after sex.

Related: 5 Signs You Are Your Drummer’s Side Project

6. Too Much Feces

Rolling around in the grass, crying, shitting their pants … drummers can be disgusting. But not as gross as a couple of toddlers.

7. More of Myself in the Baby Monitors

Have you ever tried soloing over a couple of kids screaming at each other while their mom struggles to cook dinner? It’s not a pretty scene. Trust me, you can barely hear yourself.

8. Crowd Surfing on Toddlers Sucks

Without fail, I end up with mac and cheese on my clothes every time.

9. The Door Guy at My House Is a Dick

He always has an attitude, ‘cause I can’t remember his name. My wife also calls him, “Dad,” which is weird.

10. Lackluster Food

My wife is a decent cook but she just can’t make a proper Crunchwrap Supreme.

What are your reasons for abandoning your family to tour full time in a shitty band? Let us know in the comments below!