It used to be when I wasn’t on the road with my band, Impenetrable Dust, I was at home cranking out the jams of love with my beautiful wife and kids. I loved being able to do both. But lately the balance between the two wasn’t living up to my inner stage plot. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do both forever, especially on the eve of my band dropping our sophomore album, S’cuse Me While I Kiss The Dust.
It was a really hard decision to make, but I stepped up to the front of my brain-stage, put my foot up on the monitor-of-thought, and threw my decision-pick into the face of life. I decided to become a stay-on-tour dad.
Here are my reasons why:
1. My Kids Look Better on FaceTime
I love my beautiful children’s faces … just not in person.
2. Lack of Freedom
When I’m at home I can’t shit on the walls and pee on the toilet seat like I do at every venue. Believe me, I’ve tried. It gets messy in more ways than one.
3. Per Diems Are Too Low
My wife says I should be able to survive on $25 a day. Bro, that barely covers my five Starbucks Oprah Cinnamon Chai Lattes® for the day!
4. My Kids Can’t Tune a Guitar for Shit
After two hours of, “tuning,” I get my axe back and every chord I play sounds like Sonic Youth.
5. Lack of Appreciation
In 10 years of marriage my wife has never applauded for an encore after sex.
6. Too Much Feces
Rolling around in the grass, crying, shitting their pants … drummers can be disgusting. But not as gross as a couple of toddlers.
7. More of Myself in the Baby Monitors
Have you ever tried soloing over a couple of kids screaming at each other while their mom struggles to cook dinner? It’s not a pretty scene. Trust me, you can barely hear yourself.
8. Crowd Surfing on Toddlers Sucks
Without fail, I end up with mac and cheese on my clothes every time.
9. The Door Guy at My House Is a Dick
He always has an attitude, ‘cause I can’t remember his name. My wife also calls him, “Dad,” which is weird.
10. Lackluster Food
My wife is a decent cook but she just can’t make a proper Crunchwrap Supreme.
What are your reasons for abandoning your family to tour full time in a shitty band? Let us know in the comments below!