I love my mom. She’s always supported me and all of my interests, even if she doesn’t like or understand them. When it comes to metal though, she hasn’t tried very hard to learn all of the nuances and various subgenres. But to be fair, I haven’t tried very hard to teach her. So, here are 10 metal bands that are Metallica according to my mom.
Cannibal Corpse: Mom is under the impression that anything off Cannibal Corpse’s extensive catalog is Metallica live, and that they must not be very good live, or that James Hetfield must have been sick when it was recorded.
Black Sabbath: This is “old Metallica.” She’s happy that they’ve “improved their sound.” Please, just leave her alone, you guys. She doesn’t know any better.
Nightwish: Nightwish makes mom’s favorite Metallica songs. She thinks it’s really neat that they have a woman singing for them sometimes. If anyone from Metallica is reading this, she’d really like to see them have more women on their albums.
Ghost: Ghost makes some of mom’s least favorite Metallica songs. She doesn’t think it’s as good as their old stuff, and always asks me to skip the “new Metallica” when it shuffles in the car, which I’m happy to do. Mom describes their music as “kind of corny and boring,” which is something that we can both agree on.
Megadeth: Ok, fair enough. We’re going to give her a pass on this one.
Trans-Siberian Orchestra: Mom has mixed feelings about the “Metallica Christmas Album.” I know she doesn’t listen to it when I’m not home, but she’ll always put it on around the holidays if she knows my friends are coming over so that they’ll think she’s cool.
Lorna Shore: Mom has no idea what Metallica were thinking recording music like this. She doesn’t like nor understand it, but thinks it’s cool that they are willing to experiment with their sound. She does question Jame’s decision on the vocals though. “The singer has such a nice voice, why would he make himself sound like this?”
Comeback Kid: I know they’re not a metal band, ok? But you try explaining the difference between metal and hardcore punk to her.
Bell Witch: Mom isn’t sure how she feels about “Slow Metallica.” She thinks it’s really nice that the band lets the bassist play some solos, but that it’s kind of weird that there aren’t any guitars at all. She figures that the band must need a break from playing so fast all the time.
God’s Bane: This is MY band. We’re a melodic black metal band and we sound nothing like Metallica. But whenever I’m practicing one of our songs she’ll come in and ask which Metallica song I’m playing. She’s one of my biggest supporters though, so I really don’t care.