NEW YORK — After fleeing into Central Park, Brian Thompson’s gunman decided against abandoning a first draft bullet reading “Live, Laugh, Love” as to avoid…
The human brain is a truly remarkable piece of matter. From this seemingly unthinking collection of tissues and proteins emerges an inexplicably powerful force that…
WASHINGTON — Attorney General nominee Matt Gaetz made a shocking claim that he could expose his genitals to an underaged person and not lose any…
Every human has basic desires: the need for shelter, human touch, and access to Presidential Mukbang streams. It’s only natural that in the year of…
CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa — Local man Vincent Metcalf quit his longtime dream of becoming a con artist to become a con accountant, confirmed sources who…
BOCA CHICA, Texas — Local businessman and investor Elon Musk presented his clear vision of the future where humanity thought of him as the worst…
NEW YORK — Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz recently revealed that he has been practicing for the debate with J.D. Vance by competing against a…
BATON ROUGE, La. — Local woman Georgia Luenette was stunned to notice that, aside from the ‘Check Engine’ light flashing on her car, she had…
It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday, which is the time of the week I get particularly randy. My name is Bob Powell, and I have…
CHARLESTON, S.C. — Estranged husband and wife lifestyle influencer couple known as “The Wilsons” announced they had reconciled and agreed to stay together for the…
WHEELING, W. Va. — Local conservative Jerry Wardmore repeatedly stated that Vice President Kamala Harris’ proposed ban on grocery price-gouging is “downright communist” despite complaining…
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, kinks were very much alive and well. The struggle against the Empire is so all-consuming…
RICHMOND, Va. — Banished Scumdogs of the Universe and legendary heavy metal band GWAR are reportedly planning on releasing a limited edition custom bidet that…
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Scientists at M.I.T’s prestigious Zoom Studies Lab reportedly identified the first online meeting to begin without terrible, meaningless small talk. “Observations on…
It’s 2024. Inflation has hit all aspects of the economy, corporate layoffs continue in mass, and Red Lobster’s bottomless shrimp option has effectively help them…