PATERSON, N.J. — Jeff Ackres, a prominent adult virgin, is currently deciding between tempting recruitment offers from both the involuntary celibate community and the fandom…
“The O.C.” is one of the defining teen dramas of the early 2000s, an epic tale of class differences, growing up, corruption, and that time…
We’ve all heard it before: guitar is easy to play, difficult to master, especially for chronic masturbators. However, some of the most ass-kicking riffs in…
Around here, we’re suckers for a feel-good story, but this one really got the waterworks going for us. Dogs may be man’s best friends, but…
For countless, immeasurable eons, we Cenobites have watched humanity and all your little joys and tiny torments. We are demons to some, angels to others.…
When we think of filmmaker Stanley Kubrick’s 1980 masterpiece, The Shining, we all only think of one thing: the actor who played the guy in…
CHICAGO — Taylor Swift concertgoer Noah Nussbaum was torn into dozens of bloody chunks of meat by dark, shrieking shadows in front of shocked onlookers…
CHICAGO — Thirty-eight-year-old millennial and grocery store manager Tyler Bretlin was shocked to vividly re-experience the iconic opening credits scene of the early 2000s teen…
PATERSON, N.J. — Local punk and high school junior Terry Probost, who often claims to miss the grimy, dangerous, pre-Guiliani New York City, is actually…
SALEM, Ore. — Local father of four and avid collector of vinyl records Douglas Buckner is unsure whether his children would be best organized alphabetically…
EUGENE, Ore. — Arthur “Sweaty” Grant, a punk physical education teacher at Churchill High School, expressed that incoming freshman student Jaime Peron has what it…
Few rock stars have successfully moved through as many artistic phases as St. Vincent, from the pretentiously complex chamber pop of her debut album to…
Whether you call it weird fiction, sword and sorcery, or just plain nerd stuff, the fantasy genre is pretty incredible. Who among us can truly…
It’s the worst, sweatiest part of summer, which means that your backyard drinks need to get breezier, more refreshing, and more reflective of the fact…
WASHINGTON — United States Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy confirmed that the deadly epidemic of male loneliness in America finally ended after an unknown person…