Bob Dylan Reveals Every Other Member of the Wallflowers Is Also His Son

Posted on by Steve Packosky

DULUTH, Minn. — Prolific singer-songwriter Bob Dylan revealed that every member of ‘90s rock group The Wallflowers, in addition to frontman Jakob Dylan, is also his son, surprised sources report.

“Oh, I was so proud of my boys when they made it big after releasing ‘Bringing Down the Horse’ back in 1996,” the elder Dylan remembered. “Obviously, they came from a very musical family, what with having me as a father and all. What’s really magical about it is that they all kind of naturally came to their respective instruments. Jakob started playing the guitar as a child, and I can’t remember a time when Rami wasn’t playing the piano. Greg originally played the guitar but switched to bass because Jakob already had that covered. I never forced music on any of them, except maybe the harmonica which they all rejected. I was actually kind of secretly hoping that they’d all become professional football players, but I guess I can’t complain with how things turned out.”

One of Dylan’s sons, Jakob, reflected on the situation.

“Oh, people don’t know that we’re all related? That’s weird,” said The Wallflowers’ singer. “The whole theme of our band is that we’re all from the same household, like The Partridge Family or Hanson. I just assumed everybody already knew that. What, they thought I was the only Dylan son who got into music? Come on, our dad is thought of as the best songwriter of all time. It wouldn’t make any sense for his offspring to not start a successful band together. I’m actually kind of disgusted with our fanbase for not being able to piece that together. Maybe we should call it quits.”

Fan Dana Anderton was surprised to hear the revelation.

“Oh wow, I had no idea they were all Bob Dylan’s kids,” Anderton reacted. “I remember when ‘One Headlight’ came out and it was a huge deal that Bob Dylan’s kid was the frontman for this hot new band, but I never heard that every other member was his son as well. Don’t they all have different names? Oh well, maybe they changed them for whatever reason. Honestly, this is pretty cool. I think I’m going to bust out my old ‘Godzilla 1998’ soundtrack and listen to their song ‘Heroes.’ I’ll just have to skip that awful Diddy song with the Led Zeppelin riff.”

At press time, Bob Dylan revealed that every member of Collective Soul is also his son.

Help! I Let Jesus Take the Wheel and He Drove Us to a Ska Festival

Posted on by Doug Kolic

I was never a very religious person until recently when my life of sin finally forced me to confront my demons. I was speeding down I-91, my body full of every substance known to man, when I looked up at my bloodshot eyes in the rearview and finally asked Jesus for help, and to take the wheel of my life. 

To my surprise, he actually appeared and said that as long as I believed in him, everything would be fine. That sounded cool, but the drugs pulsating through my veins made me paranoid that there might be some kind of a catch. And that catch, as it turns out, was worse than anything I could have imagined – he was driving us straight to a Goddamn ska festival. 

I should have known something was off when he told me all those times there were just one set of footprints were the times he had to “pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!” 

My life could finally be unshackled from my corrupted soul, and my inner torment would be turned into unabashed happiness. But if that meant having to go to a dork ass ska fest, fuck that noise. I tried to reason with JC by begging him to take us anywhere else and I’d do his bidding, but he just gently pressed his warm hand onto my heart and told me to trust him. I thought he was testing me to see if I had faith, but when I realized he wasn’t bluffing I thanked him for his heavenly guidance. Then, as he smiled and started to preach about love and forgiveness and shit, I opened my passenger door and jumped out.

Sure, Jesus stole my car and I broke 40% of the bones in my body from diving out of a Honda Accord traveling at 80 miles per hour, but the good news is that I didn’t have to listen to Less Than Jake. 

Maybe that was Jesus’ plan all along, to make me see what truly matters in this world, as I left our encounter with a bliss I haven’t felt in a long time. But then I realized my stash of coke was in my glove compartment and I’d never get it back thanks to him.

Several ICE Agents Horribly Disemboweled During Attempt to Deport GWAR Back to Scumdoggia 

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

RICHMOND, Va. — Several ICE agents had their internal organs forcibly removed during a recent raid on the Slave Pit, home of the extraterrestrial rock band GWAR, confirmed absolutely horrified sources.

“The band was in the middle of our weekly cocaine-orgy/seafood boil when these ICE chodes stormed the Slave Pit claiming we were illegal aliens and threatening to deport us back to our home planet of Scumdoggia,” said GWAR vocalist Blothar the Berserker. “Obviously, these jerkoffs had no idea who they were messing with. I grabbed one of these ICE guys and ripped his spleen out through his dick while the rest of the band went to work on the other ‘agents.’ Then we used their hollowed-out skulls as toilets because anyone stupid enough to fuck with GWAR has to have shit for brains.”

According to official reports, the failed raid ended up being one of the bloodiest massacres in United States history.

“It was truly horrifying, the level of carnage on display,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem. “Several ICE agents had their spines torn from their bodies and reinserted rectally. One agent was turned into a makeshift piñata, only instead of candy, GWAR filled his chest cavity with pornographic magazines and beer. Then two band members known as Jizmak Da Gusha and Beefcake the Mighty took turns beating the agent with their grotesque alien genitals until his corpse exploded, sending copies of Hustler and PBR flying everywhere.”

Meanwhile, prominent Democrat and vocal ICE opponent Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez defended the band’s actions.

“ICE is the modern Gestapo,” said Ocasio-Cortez. “They broke into the Slave Pit, with no warrant, and started trying to detain GWAR unlawfully. As far as I’m concerned, the band was acting in self-defense. Do I love that someone named Balsac the Jaws of Death stitched two ICE agents together using intestines and called it a human Catdog? No, of course not. But at the end of the day, no living being is ‘illegal’ and immigrants like GWAR only serve to enrich and strengthen our country — even if they are violent, drug-abusing space aliens.”

As of press time, the Department of Homeland Security was exploring other ways to deport GWAR, including deputizing the superhero ska collective The Aquabats in hopes that the group’s experience fighting monsters might give them an advantage against the violent Scumdoggians.

Opinion: Guzzling up the World’s Dwindling Fresh Water So I Could Prompt AI Engines To Generate a Video of Oscar the Grouch Farting Into His Own Dick Is a Dream My Ancestors Didn’t Even Know They Wanted for Me

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

While everyone is sounding the alarms about AI’s unregulated overreach by evil technocrats and the annoying rabble of eco-conscious peaceniks clutch their pearls about AI leading to “mass unemployment” or “dismantling the very fabric of our shared reality,” I offer a different perspective. One that’s rooted in a little gratitude for a change.

Consider this, dipshits. It’s 1644 in pre-colonial America. You’ve just spent five months preparing a single loaf of bread, building a fire takes an hour, and that’s if you even have dry wood. You’ve had fifteen kids in the last four years, but only two of them survived, and you’d love to read a book to pass the time, but unfortunately, you’re illiterate. Now what are you going to do? A whole lot of jack shit, that’s what. So, could it not be assumed that our ancestors, who so ruthlessly toiled for every possible element of survival, wouldn’t be happy for me to be able to prompt generative AI engines to personally make me a hilarious ass video of Oscar the Grouch farting into his own dick?

Do I not honor their efforts to seek a better life for their children and future generations by using the tools that modernity has blessed us with to entertain myself with shit like this? First of all, you haven’t even seen the video I made, so, judgmental much? I even edited it so that the fart creates a bubble like a backed-up fire hose from Looney Toons that’s just ping ponging back and forth between Oscar’s ass and through his wiener and into his tummy on a loop with a penny whistle sound effect. It’s goddamn hilarious. I know it would’ve brought tears of laughter to the eyes of my forbears, and that they’d be happy for me as I watched it again and again in safety and comfort.

Now, I know that the most common complaint from people is how much fresh water AI engines need to cool down their systems. First of all, prove it. Ever thought of proving it? Oh, you may say, “multiple reputable news services have long since proved it.” Yeah? Well, good for them, now you prove it. See? You can’t. 

Secondly, chill the fuck out. Ever seen a river? It’s full of water. That’s all the proof I need that everything’s fine.

While you all create shittier worlds for yourself in your mind, I’ll be sitting by the fire tonight beside a photo of my great grandparents, enjoying a clean glass of water and showing them the tightest video that they didn’t even know could exist in their wildest imaginations. Kiss my ass.

Punk Squirrel Stuffs Cheeks With Zyns To Prepare for Winter

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

GORHAM, Maine — A local punk squirrel known as Slip Nutz was found stuffing his cheeks with Wintergreen Zyn pouches in preparation for the cold season ahead, sources confirmed. 

“Nuts are out. Zyns are in. Wait. Write that down,” said the 15-ounce squirrel through cheeks full of nicotine. “Plus like, groceries are really expensive these days. Zyns are like $5 for 15. That’s two weeks of breakfast. Two weeks of nut milk lattes. And they help me stay focused too. They’re also just much better for you than walnuts and cigarettes if you don’t count the soreness in your gums. I need to have them stored away because winter is long and I can’t risk being a fiend asking for someone’s vape in the next tree over.”

However, some of Nutz’s friends, including Akorn Like The Band, have expressed concerns with his Zyn usage. 

“I mean, it’s concerning but also it’s the sort of thing that has also become one of my problems. I can’t bum smokes anymore because he stopped ripping darts and started putting those pouches in,” grumbled Like The Band. “Whatever happened to doing dip like a real squirrel? Plus, Zyns are so not punk. They’re for finance bros. He’s basically part of the bourgeoise now. Next thing you know he’ll be wearing one of those little vests and telling me to buy cryptocurrency. What are we investing for? Our lifespan is like two years.” 

However, Zyn’s marketing director, Chad Samuelson, is pleased with its new demographic.

“We’re excited to start this next chapter for Zyn, with our little furry friends and woodland creatures,” said Samuelson. “We’ve actually been marketing to squirrels specifically, trying to target them given their cheek capacity does allow for more Zyns than the average user. Plus they rip through college campus trash cans like crazy so we figured they would have a taste for them. We plan to roll out more squirrel-friendly flavors including Maple and Acorn in the coming months. Nutz said it! Zyns are in!” 

At press time, Nutz was seen telling his friends that swallowing a Zyn pouch is not that bad for you when compared to chewing tobacco. 

Confused Trump Deploys National Guard to Roku City

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced yesterday that he had deployed the National Guard to Roku City, the fictional cityscape appearing in screensavers on Roku devices, confused sycophantic sources confirmed.

“I’m in the White House watching the biggest, most beautiful TV you’ve ever seen. The kind with a remote. And there on the news is the once great Roku City with monsters everywhere. Big ones, little ones, mechanical ones. It was a total disaster, folks,” the president explained during an Oval Office press conference. “And they’re all there, too. Cloverfield, Seabiscuit, I think I saw little Snoopy’s doghouse. Even the Wicked Witch of the West, remember her? Nasty, nasty woman. Tried to steal the ruby slippers. Frankly, I wasn’t going to sit by and allow Mecha Godzilla and Wreck-it Ralph to destroy the Baily Bugle any longer. So, I did what any strong leader would do. I sent in the National Guard to save Roku City.”

The National Guard, however, was less convinced by the president’s analysis. 

“I’m not sure if the president knows this, but Roku City doesn’t really exist. It’s… a fictional place. I mean, it’s not even a real city,” said Major Terry Caldwell, stationed at the base in Ohio. “The only thing we have are orders to send troops to a place that is entirely a screen interface. So far we’ve sent a few stills from the movie ‘Starship Troopers’ and that’s seemed to placate the president. But that’ll only work for so long. Are we supposed to send tanks through a streaming service? Maybe we should launch the troops on a really fast Wi-Fi connection?”

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth noted that the “Roku City Offensive” is just the beginning.

“He wants to invade a lot of places,” Hegseth told reporters between conspicuous sips from a flask in his coat pocket. “He recently said we should send troops to the Shire to protect Hobbiton from ‘the dark forces of Mordor,’ and he’s very concerned about a supposed ‘Brexit threat’ to Narnia. We’re even looking into military options for a potential intervention in Jurassic Park after he saw a commercial about ‘unexpectedly aggressive dinosaurs.’ Basically, our entire policy is being dictated by whichever movie happens to be running on TBS that particular day.”

At press time, aides are attempting to convince Trump he did not die in a fiery explosion after the president watched that one scene in “Independence Day.”

Horrified Son Finds Dad’s Hidden Stash of 2000s Streetwear

Posted on by Jose Balderas

LOS ANGELES — Local 16-year-old Nigo Pastolero was horrified to find his software developer father’s secret stash of 2000s-era streetwear in their attic, sources verified.

“I was just trying to dig out some old magazines for a school project but when I discovered the Von Dutch trucker hats, a shirt that just said ‘FBI: Female Body Inspector,’ and something called Ed Hardy I thought maybe my dad had been living a second life,” stated the scared teen. “My mom said it was just his old stuff but I can’t imagine my dad wearing any of these weird shirts. Some had smiling bombs on them and others just all-over prints of diamonds. It’s honestly sort of childish. I thought my dad was a tech professional but I don’t know what to think of him anymore since I pulled a shirt that said a weird crossbones cupcake. Not to mention his jeans all had weird prints on the butt and crotch. Was it a sex thing?”

Father Ricky Pastolero was disappointed he wasn’t there during, what he calls, a crucial moment in his son’s evolution to explain and give context to his old keepsakes.

“My wife had been telling me to donate or sell them or just use them as rags for years but I wanted to have a day when I was going to take him up there and show him how cool I was in 2003 before I settled down and had a family,” relayed the 52-year-old father. “I wanted to sit him down and explain to him how important the Fairfax District was for streetwear culture. And how we would line up early in the morning and ditch college classes to cop the new The Hundreds collab or pleading with the guys at Diamond Supply Co. to let us sniff their new Nike SBs. It was a real moment in time that, I think, ranks up there with the likes of the Haight-Ashbury days.”

Mother Janine Pastolero is worried that her son might fear his father is keeping other secrets from his past.

“I know this is going to require some therapy,” said the mother of three. “Especially after I saw our son’s face contort in subtle ways every time his dad tried justifying why he had multiple pairs of glow in the dark shutter shades and trucker hats with ‘I Heart Boobies’ screenprinted on them. After his father was done explaining to him the difference between LRG Skeleton Hoodies he looked at me and asked ‘Why did you marry him?’ I’m still not sure how to answer that.”

At press time, Mrs. Pastolero was making sure all her scene girl clothes had been successfully incinerated in their fireplace and Mr. Pastolero was attempting to wear deteriorating BAPE sneakers.

Four Other Empires That Collapsed Because a Washed-up Real Estate Developer Was Desperate for Attention

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It’s obvious that we are living in fraught times for our beloved Republic. Now is a perfect opportunity for us to look to comparable moments in human history, not for a solution, but for commiseration, because let’s face it: we completely fucked the dog last November. If you want to strategize and think up ways to dig us out of this self-inflicted hole, have at it. In the meantime, we’re going to look at similar empires whose demises were brought about by some two-bit crook who just had to have people looking at him.

The Roman Empire

Did you know the beginning of the end for the Roman Empire is widely attributed to the shortcomings of former landlord Decimus III? Beginning his reign in 473 CE after his boring and largely unattended gladiatorial sideshow went bust, he realized he could become Emperor by convincing the commoners that Rome’s woes were because of immigration. We’ll spare you the details on how that ended, but it wasn’t great.

The Mongol Empire

Meet Arban Khan, who made his living renting out his father’s land to farmers and shorting contractors before stumbling into leadership in 1365. With the Black Plague’s onset, Khan eschewed conventional prevention tactics like not touching other people’s weeping sores and maintaining safe distances from rotting corpses lining the streets. Instead, he claimed the disease had somehow been conjured into existence by his political rivals, and encouraged his supporters to attend rallies on his behalf. Whoops!

The Ottoman Empire

Sultan Murat III, whose bankrupting of several horse-racing hippodromes in the early 20th century should have been a red flag that he had no business presiding over millions of people during World War I, foolishly imposed tariffs on all goods imported from other countries and claimed the “revenue” from this tax levied on his own people as some sort of victory for his administration. This severely hindered production of both food and materiel needed for the war effort, which ultimately resulted in his empire’s dissolution shortly after the cessation of arms in 1918.

The Akkadian Empire

Former building manager Uktannu, who came into power around 2160 BCE, sowed discord among his people by claiming a previous election he had lost was due to rigged stone tablets, which he falsely said had been corrupted by his enemies. This culminated in a revolt by his followers on the City of Akkad, who ultimately just stood around and raided the government’s food stores. Uktannu was “punished” for this transgression with another term in office, and when drought hit their lands, the depleted reserves caused massive displacement.

This may not be a dynamic call to action, but hopefully it made you feel a little better knowing our country’s current situation is just the latest in an endless line of governments that failed in the most embarrassing ways possible. Maybe when the next form of democratic rule rises from the ashes of whatever we become, our descendants will be able to learn the lessons that we refused to!

Overly Ambitious Promoter Books Mixed Genre Show With Three Hardcore Bands, Full Production of “The Phantom of the Opera”

Posted on by Peter Woods

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Local promoter Trent Lyons combined a reasonably curated three-act hardcore bill with a full touring production of “The Phantom of the Opera,” confirmed already tired sources. 

“It’s honestly the best thing that could happen to this scene. It’s so popular that I’m already planning another show next month featuring three metalcore bands and a full production of ‘Hamilton’ starring Lin-Manuel Miranda,” said Lyons. “The same 25 people just keep showing up over and over again. We need to get creative about convincing new people to show up. Most promoters just try to get more young people, but there’s a lot of untapped potential in all of those old people who actually go see musicals. Also untapped money because those tickets are pricey and they seem stupid enough to ‘support the arts.’ That’s why tickets for this show start at $95 a pop.”

Despite Lyons’s enthusiasm, multiple people associated with the show have expressed their frustration with the choice.

“I haven’t talked to a single person who wants this,” said Aisha Potter, the drummer of originally booked band Whipshitters. “First, all of us have to wake up in the morning for work and there’s no way this is ending on time. Second, none of our friends are coming to this show because there are going to be theatre kids there. And worse still- those asshole actors won’t even let us borrow a drumset because apparently ‘theatre troupes don’t have drums.’”

Still, some associated with the show shared Lyons’ excitement.

“What an astoundingly marvelous opportunity,” said Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber, the legendary composer behind “The Phantom of the Opera.” “It’s so exciting to bring new life to this production by staging it ‘amongst the people’ in a record store that has closed up shop for the day. And to show how excited I am, alongside my overflowing appreciation, I have completed three separate musicals about the interscene conflicts of the Fort Wayne punk scene. Can’t wait to ‘up the Fort Wayne punks’ on the West End this fall!”

At press time, Lyons confirmed that a noise act and an improv troupe have jumped on as openers.

Trump Demands Death Penalty for Anyone Who Would Go Back in Time and Kill Baby Hitler

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — President Trump has expanded his claims of sedition and calls for the death penalty to include any American who, if given the implausible opportunity, would travel back in time to kill Hitler as a baby, in a Truth Social post early this morning. 

“The radical commie left is OUT OF CONTROL! ENEMIES FROM WITHIN! Not only do we have Congress urging the military to DISOBEY MY ORDERS just because they HAPPEN to be illegal (which is ILLEGAL!), but it has come to our attention that U.S. ‘citizens’ are plotting to violate the LAWS OF NATURE to traverse time and MURDER AN INNOCENT BABY! This is SICK! This is SEDITIOUS! I am calling for the IMMEDIATE EXECUTION of ANY registered democrat caught in possession of a flux capacitor, TARDIS, or that Hot Tub from that other time travel movie! What was it called? Lots of women in that movie, great cans, many of them on the younger side as well. WE WILL PROTECT HISTORY and MAKE AMERICA GREAT!” 

While legal experts on both sides of the political spectrum largely question the legality of executing American citizens based on their answer to a philosophical musing, Pam Bondi assured reporters that the President is well within his rights to do so. 

“The office of the Presidency is a part of the historical fabric, and as sitting President, Donald Trump is its chief guardian,” Bondi said to a room of notably exasperated reporters. “Mr. Trump is merely curbing the dangerous rhetoric of leftists who want to murder a baby in 1889 simply because they disagree with it. This familiar attitude of violence from the left is deplorable. Rest assured, if American time travel is used to interact with the Nazis, it will be used in peace and cooperation.” 

Despite growing criticism, Trump held his ground on the controversial stance and went on to post numerous proposals for how time travel should be used.  

“We should be friends with Nazi Germany! Look at what they accomplished! They would make incredible allies! We’re going to make a really great time deal with the Nazis, a big, beautiful deal. We give them some of our modern technology, they build some statues of me across the globe, everyone wins! Make America greater before!”   

Joe Rogan has weighed in on the situation, calling anyone who would kill Hitler as a baby “cowards” and claiming that he will be using time travel to go to 1945 and “Fight Hitler as a man!”