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CNET Reviews the Best Laptops For Not Burning Your Bare Stomach While Watching Porn

Adapting to the ever-changing use of personal computers, CNET revealed a new section to their website today that allows consumers to find out which laptop is best for not burning your flesh when you balance it on your stomach as you watch pornography.

What follows is an excerpt that highlights a variety of CNET’s picks based on price point and use.

Overall

Apple MacBook Pro with Touch Bar (15-inch, 2018)

“…While it’s overpriced for its components, no one can touch Apple when it comes to the feel of its uniform bottom on your skin. You can ply your trade for hours and forget it’s sitting on top of you. We recommend getting the pearl color scheme because it hides bodily stains better, but all models are easily cleaned with a paper towel or wet wipe based on CNET reviewer testing…”

Gaming

Razer Blade Advanced (RTX 2060)

“…Gaming laptops are notorious for singeing your naked stomach as you pull your peter or flick your bean. However, Razer has managed to solve that problem with a state-of-the-art fan that will keep you cool — even as you alternate between turns of Magic The Gathering: Arena and relentlessly searching Pornhub for the amateur video that has a person who kinda sort of looks like your ex…”

Budget Pick

HP Chromebook x2

“…While the HP Chromebook is a great value at the price, buyers should beware of some drawbacks. The loud fans paired with the poor speakers often results in the moans and grunts being hard to hear. While the laptop won’t set your stomach on fire like a Crave Case at White Castle, this reviewer cannot recommend the Chromebook for longer masturbation sessions as it does reach uncomfortable temperature levels after an hour…”

Ultraportable

LG Gram 2-in-1 (14 inch, 2019)

“…Great for the pervert on the go, this laptop only rates in the middle of the pack when it comes to stomach scorching but its ability to convert to a tablet is a game changer. Expect to see early adopters tote this around the office…”

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