Local Man Proud of Self For Outsmarting Housefly 

Posted on by Trevor Graham

DENVER — A local mediocre man spent several days feeling proud about himself after outsmarting a housefly that had been trapped in his apartment for days, sources with compound eyes confirmed.

“Man, I’ve just been on such a high ever since I tricked that fly into leaving my apartment. It was buzzing around for hours, and every time I tried to swat it, it would just fly away. So finally I had the idea of taking the screen off the window, and it flew right out. HA HA! Stupid insect. Who’s the apex predator now?” said Evan Richards, unemployed. “I am pretty exhausted after all that excitement, though. I might just spend the rest of the day scrolling TikTok and playing video games while my wife cleans up the place.”

His wife, Sara Richards, says she hasn’t seen her husband this proud of himself since the time he tricked the family dog into going to the vet.

“He seems to be really pleased with himself for outwitting an insect. It’s just like when we had to take Ruffles to the vet, and she wouldn’t get in the car, so Evan threw some treats in the backseat of the car, and she jumped right in. He is beaming with that same sense of pride now over getting the fly out of the house,” said Ms. Richards. “If only he could put this type of energy into something productive like doing the dishes or you know, finding a job.”

Social psychologist Dr. Debra Gorman says there is a certain percentage of the population like Mr. Richards, who have lowered their expectations in life and feel proud about their trivial achievements.

“We find that a good portion of the population, mostly men in their 30s to 40s, have had their expectations on what would be considered a successful life lowered so that any mundane task for them now feels like they have actually accomplished something meaningful,” said Gorman. “And rather than ridicule these individuals, we should encourage and support them. After all, mediocre middle-aged men with no discernible skills could very well go on to become CEOs of major companies or even elected officials.”

At press time, Mr. Richards had reportedly “beaten that super hard mission in ‘Red Dead Redemption II’” and had gone out for beers to celebrate.

The Next Alex Mack? This Child Was Just Hit by a Hazardous Waste Disposal Truck!

Posted on by Steve Packosky

If you grew up in the nineties, it’s highly likely that you spent a lot of time watching Nickelodeon. Classic shows like “Clarissa Explains It All,” “Hey Dude,” and “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” helped to impart some moral lessons while keeping us entertained and, most importantly, out of our parents’ hair. Perhaps one of the most well-known of these programs was “The Secret World of Alex Mack,” about a teenage girl infused with special powers after an accident involving a truck from a nearby chemical plant. Well, hold on to your hats, because we may have found her successor!

Meet 12-year-old Ethan Ryland of Troy, Missouri. Just last week, Ethan was walking home from school, minding his own business, when a truck containing hazardous chemicals suddenly veered off the road, spilling its contents while simultaneously striking him!

Whoa, pretty cool!

So, what do we know about the vehicle that struck Ethan? Well, according to local sources, the driver had been employed by a local petroleum refinery plant, and had lost control of his truck as he swerved to avoid a squirrel that had wandered into the road, crushing Ethan and covering him in hydrofluoric acid in the process. This solution had been left over from a  catalytic alkylation process for high-octane fuel production, but may be serving a new purpose if Evan becomes a superhuman once he heals from the third-degree burns and systemic poisoning it inflicted when it pooled over his unconscious body.

Fingers crossed!

Will Ethan be granted the powers to turn himself into a shiny, silver liquid, able to sneak through pipes and vents while he uncovers the shady misdeeds of the truck driver’s employer? Or will he suddenly become telekinetic along with the ability to generate electricity from his fingertips? Because he’s still listed in critical condition, and reportedly has not awakened from the medically induced coma doctors placed him in just after the accident, we can only speculate until he wakes up. He’d better hope that he does become the next Alex Mack, though, because it’s going to be hard for him to get around with that shattered spine and collapsed lung!

Time will only tell if Ethan has a new life filled with adventure and wacky hijinks waiting for him when, and if, he comes to. We don’t know about you, but we’re on the edge of our seats!

Hitler Rolling in Grave Sharing Person of the Year with These Dorks

Posted on by danerice

BERLIN — Former German leader Adolf Hitler, who is widely considered to be one of the most evil men of all time, is reportedly rolling over in his grave after learning he is sharing Time’s annual “Person of the Year” award with the architects of AI, sources confirmed.

“I haven’t been this upset since Stalingrad, and that says a lot because I’ve spent the last 80 years in Hell being brutally tortured by demonic beings that I had dreamed would fight alongside Germany on the frontlines,” said Hitler. “I don’t know what the editors at Time are thinking. I was trying to destroy humanity the old-fashioned way, by using humans to kill humans. These dorks are destroying humanity by rotting brains and wasting resources. When I was done killing humans I still wanted Earth to exist, I don’t even know what the end game is for these guys.”

OpenAI CEO Sam Altman says he is honored to share the award with his peers and the architect of the Holocaust.

“Ever since I was a kid I looked up to Hitler and what he was able to accomplish in such a short time. In fact, some of the earliest AI models I created were programmed to recreate some of Hitler’s art,” said Altman. “But Hitler’s vision was too limited. I envision a world where AI completely replaces humans, humanity can finally be obsolete. Picture that, a world where you don’t have to work every day, you don’t have to be stressed out all the time, and it’s because you’re dead, thanks to the fact that data centers used up all the potable water on the planet. I can’t wait until we reach that point.”

Time’s editor-in-chief Sam Jacobs defended the selection.

“The ‘Person of the Year’ award is something we are very proud of at Time because we basically invented clickbait. We have been riling up people for years and staying relevant by making selections that make people say ‘What the fuck are these morons thinking?’ Well buddy, I think you’re talking about us and that’s all that matters,” said Jacobs. “You think we are going to waste out time picking the Pope again? Fat chance, that doesn’t move units in 2025. So fuck you, maybe next year we will pick ‘Your Mother’s Rotten Crotch’ and see how you like that.”

At press time, Satan admitted that the architects of AI will have their own special circle of Hell reserved just for them.

Puscifer Fan Shocked to Learn Vocalist Has Side Band

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — Noted Puscifer fan and parolee Peter Schwartz recently learned the vocalist of his favorite act has a side band, sources reported.

“I love Puscifer so much, I named both my kids after their catalog: my daughter ‘M’ for Milla, and my son ‘V’ for Vagina. I even live in an Airstream that was stolen by dopers, let’s say. But Puscifer’s lead singer is always in disguise, so I never could tell who he really was. When I first saw the cover for ‘Conditions of My Parole,’ I thought that was a real portrait of him after a genre-defying conjugal visit. He looked so proud of his black eye,” Schwartz said from an iPhone that came with names pre-loaded on it. “Turns out that guy is named Maynard James Keenan, and he has a side band. I was in shock, like someone body slammed me on stage. This side band is pretty big in an underground way and put out some mind-blowing singles. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s called A Perfect Circle.”

Schwartz’s discovery started in an unlikely place.

“Yeah, Peter came in looking for a white wine for a dinner date with a ‘Bikini Bandit’ he met through a prison pen pal program. Pretty sus, but I’ve seen worse,” said Lisa Loch, who works at a liquor store directly outside the exit of a federal prison. “I sold him a 2023 Merkin Vineyards Chupacabra Blanca to pair nicely with his other questionable life choices. I mentioned how the vineyard’s owner is in Puscifer and A Perfect Circle. He seemed surprised and excited to tell his date about it. Hey, at least it’s not crypto.”

Keenan also expressed surprise at Schwartz’s discovery.

“Most people find me the same way they have for years: from my appearance in the seminal 2009 motion picture, ‘Crank 2: High Voltage.’ The method acting took a year of my life, but it really grounded my role as a dog trainer who uses a shock collar to zap farts out of Jason Statham. Anyway, it’s true that I’m in exactly two bands: Puscifer and A Perfect Circle,” Keenan said without using the Fibonacci sequence. “Another happy fan means I did my job. I love all my fans. They are the best.”

As of press time, Schwartz said he discovered Keenan’s “secret” third band, Tool, and looks forward to checking them out one day when he gets around to it.

Guy About to Cum Won’t Shut Up About it

Posted on by Mike Moran

FRESNO, Calif. — Local man Brett Motts recently monopolized the final 22 seconds of a mutual copulation exchange, reiterating repeatedly the nearness of his approaching orgasm, confirmed sources. 

“I mean, I’m used to guys going on and on about themselves and their interests, but listening to someone repeat the same thing over and over while they’re on top of you is exhausting,” said romantic partner Kerry Dolce. “He told me he was going to cum like eight times. Talk about mansplaining. I’m not dumb, you don’t have to keep reminding me. He even cried out to Jesus Christ at one point. I’m fairly agnostic but how about we keep Christian theology out of this.” 

Motts attempted to stay humble about the situation. 

“Perhaps I did go a little overboard with my repeated proclamations about my inevitable climax, but honestly it’s all I could think about at the time. It’s like it just took me over,” pleaded an embarrassed Motts. “For a second there I nearly went on my phone to post about how I was going to cum, I just needed everyone to know. I even forgot about my student debt for a minute. I’m not sure what came over me. I have no idea where the term, ‘blowin’ mad jars of oyster gak’ even came from.”

Sex expert Dr. Julia Gibbings of the Kinsey Institute of Indiana weighed in on the situation.

“Though excessive talk about one’s own state can often be taken as a narcissist trait, it’s actually fairly normal for the male to want to discuss nothing else in the moments leading up to the orgasm,” explained Dr. Gibbings. “We have conducted multiple studies where we try and indulge men in their favorite subjects just as ejaculation approaches, and as surprising as it is, they would rather discuss cumming over World War II, Tarentino films, or even their favorite Simpsons quotes. We even tried to provoke one test subject by insisting The Special Editions of Star Wars were the superior versions. He barely even noticed enough to argue.” 

At press time, it became clear, through repeated assertions, that Motts was again, “going to cum like a package of coconut-flavored Gushers.”

Everyone Hates Him! This Guy is JD Vance

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Have you ever encountered someone so obnoxious, terminally unlikable that you’d sooner kill yourself than be seen within a ten-mile radius of them? What if I told you they also wield an unfathomable amount of power, which they abuse daily, only amplifying their universal unlikability? In case you haven’t figured it out yet, we’re referring to none other than JD fucking Vance.

“My family still won’t forgive me for voting for Trump, but I won’t forgive myself for letting that dead-eyed mouth breather weasel his way into the White House. He has the aura of a friend’s annoying little brother who won’t shut the fuck up about not letting him win in Mario Kart. If he becomes president, the world is going to take us even less seriously than it does now.” 

That’s a quote from the most racist old white man we could find. In Boston. 

It’s not often that so many people from all races, creeds, and colors can come together and agree that someone sucks, but sentient helium balloon JD Vance has made that dream come true. The data doesn’t lie!

“Our latest Quinnipiac poll broke down the unadulterated vitriol against the Vice President, indicating 36% of Americans believe he’s the kind of guy who’d call the cops on a house party when he loses at beer pong, while 40% get the feeling he inserts himself into other people’s inside jokes,” said Bryce Johnson, one of the nation’s top pollsters. “The remaining 24% simply stated ‘Ohio’, which is more damning than anything else.”

“There’s just something about him that induces a viciously negative reaction whenever I see him or hear him talk, and I’m not even talking about his politics. Every opinion he has is the worst take on anything I’ve ever heard, not because he’s always lowkey shilling for his billionaire benefactors but because he’s trying to put on a tough guy act when he could probably be defeated by ticking him.”

Truth be told, it’s not fun watching a man lead an agenda so catastrophically bad it’ll destroy millions of livelihoods and industries. But give him credit, folks — no matter how bad you think you have it, he still has to look at himself in the mirror every day and know that nothing he does will ever buy him a genuine ounce of respect from anyone, and that includes animals.

Thanks for taking one for the team JD, and by all means, burn in hell. 

Bandmates Makes Pact If They’re Still Alive at 27 They’ll Kill Each Other

Posted on by Matt Husser

TACOMA, Wash. — Members of punk band The Shitbutts renewed their commitment to joining the 27 Club with a pact to kill each other if they’re still alive at 27, sources confirmed.

“At the rate we’re going, I’m 99% sure I’ll be dead at 27 after succumbing to a heroin overdose or getting shot after I fuck some biker’s old lady, but some things you just don’t want to leave to chance—like turning 30,” said frontman Mac McReady. “So I made our drummer Tim promise that if I’m somehow still alive before my 28th birthday he’d kill me in some legendary way, and I’d do the same for him. Push a tower of speakers over on me, stab me in the eye with a drumstick, whatever it takes to join Cobain and Hendrix in sonic valhalla.”

The Shitbutts drummer Tim Crawford admits he regretted ever making the 27 Club pact with McReady.

“Jesus, I wish Tom would let it go, we made that stupid 27 Club pact when we were nineteen—how was I supposed to know we’d live this long? I can’t die yet, I haven’t even gone through the ‘go to rehab and marry a porn star’ phase of my music career yet,” said Crawford, looking over his shoulder. “I turn 28 next month so now I gotta make sure he doesn’t electrocute me during mic check or poison my PBR before the show. Bet that dumbass hasn’t even thought about who is gonna kill him if he offs me first. Our bassist, Greg? Greg’s 40, is married with two kids, and faints if someone gets a nosebleed in the pit.”

The Shitbutt’s longtime manager Bart Ternsdale was reportedly tired of hearing about the bandmates’ pact.

“You know what Morrison, Joplin, and Winehouse had that these guys don’t? Fucking fans! Those clowns should worry less about joining the 27 Club and more about getting 27 living people to show up to their next gig,” said Ternsdale, stapling a poster to a utility pole. “Sell out a couple of concerts and then I’ll consider sabotaging the light fixtures above the stage and sending them out in a blaze of glory. But until then, no one is gonna care if some warehouse workers that moonlight in a punk band die in a tragic paint huffing explosion after an empty basement show—except Greg, everyone would miss Greg. “

At press time, McReady was disappointed to learn he actually turned 29 three months ago.

Well Then, I Guess You Can Say I “Goon” Your Father – Guest Post by Mom

Posted on by danerice

There you kids go again, snickering over another one of your little “inside jokes.” I bet you think your old mom is way too out of touch to know what you’re talking about. You think I don’t keep up with the memes and the TikToks, you think I’m not hip to the lingo, but guess what? Mom is a little bit cooler than you give her credit for. You’re talking to a lady who plays Wordle every day, so yes, I’ve cracked your little code, and I’ll prove it. Kids, I goon your father. 

Oh, would you look at that. Suddenly, everyone is too shocked to laugh! Well, pick those jaws up off the floor and believe it, you mom is one spry lady. I’ve been eavesdropping on your little joke-offs, and I’ve pieced together that “gooning” means to love something so intensely you want to become one with it, and that is exactly how I feel about your dad. I goon your father, and you know what? I goon you kids too. Your mom is just a big ole’ gooner for her husband and her wonderful children.

Oh, I “can’t say that?” Why, because I’m old? Because hearing mom use your cool young person words makes you feel lame? Well, tough cookies, because this lame old lady goons you all from the bottom of her heart. Oh, really, I don’t know what I’m talking about? Well then, let’s all have some poppers! 

That’s right, I’ve got poppers in the oven right now, cream cheese and cheddar. I wasn’t sure which ones you liked the best, but I know you’re always talking about them! Honestly, it’s so silly of you kids to whisper and snicker about fried jalapenos stuffed with cheese when your mom could have just made them for you at any time! Now we’re all going to sit down, hit some poppers, and have a nice long goon as a family. 

Oh, look at how embarrassed you are. Well, I don’t care. I will never apologize for loving my kids! And maybe you’re too “cool” to say it, but I know deep down you all goon Mommy. And you’re gonna gonna goon Mommy a lot more once you get a hit of these poppers, I got the expensive kind! 

Just do me a favor and keep the snickering to a minimum at dinner tonight? Your father’s dom will be joining us. 

Diddy to be Allowed Conjugal Freak-Offs

Posted on by Mark Shady

FORT DIX, N.J. — The Fort Dix Federal Correctional Institute announced that it has granted Sean “Diddy” Combs conjugal freak-offs, confirmed sources. 

“We’ve been taking a lot of heat for this decision and I’m not just talking about how that lube gets, like, overly hot when it’s applied,” began Jay Merkel, spokesman for the New Jersey Department of Corrections. “But we’re trying to avoid him being on suicide watch. Combs going from his normal, everyday orgies to no group sex whatsoever has taken a toll on his psyche. After intensive in-house psychiatry visits, it was decided for his mental health that Swag will be allowed conjugal visits, but in the manner he was most acclimated to. After all, just because you’re in prison doesn’t mean you can’t also have a little fun.” 

Love/Brother Love himself had quite a mixed bag reaction to how the first one went.

“It was fun, but not the same,” admitted Combs. “I’d actually call it more of a ‘mess-around’ because they were, in comparison, pretty tame. Didn’t help that a guard had to be present the whole time too. We used to spread out in the privacy of my house after a White Party with Ashton Kutcher. Now I can only invite 10, maybe 12 guests and we have a strict 15-minute time limit. And that federally issued baby oil is way too diluted. I prefer Johnson’s. I also used to have Ray-Jay video everything for me to review later, but I can’t do that here either.” 

Correctional psychologist Dr. Amber Pritchard explained the psychological motivation which may accompany such a radical accommodation.

“They have something to look forward to other than the monthly movie night,” said Dr. Pritchard. “But it only works when the other inmates receive privileges unique to their interests as well. For example, when R. Kelly made it one whole month without asking the guards for photos of their daughters, he was allowed to urinate on an inmate of his choosing. If Joe Exotic from ‘Tiger King’ was on good behavior behind bars, he was allowed to hang out with a wild lion in his cell for a whole day. Luckily, we keep one on-site at all times.”

At press time, the Fort Dix Federal Correctional Institute announced that they have moved Combs to a larger cell in order to accommodate the sheer size and volume of the “freak-offs.”

Apple Introduces Single-Use ‘iPhone Loosie’

Posted on by Matt Husser

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the next generation iPhone today, a new disposable single-use iPhone Loosie, sources confirmed.

“For too long the iPhone has been weighed down by the albatross of useless features like headphone jacks, speakers, and rechargeable batteries. That’s why we set out to create a new iPhone that’s so lighter, slimmer, and 10x more disposable than any previous iPhone model. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the future: the single-use iPhone Loosie,” shouted Cook to a feverish crowd of Apple superfans wildly gyrating and foaming at the mouth. “The height of convenience, now you can toss your iPhone after you’ve sent one text or listened to a single song, and just pull out a new one from the iPack. Running out of iPhone Loosie’s got you itching for more? Just head down to your nearest Apple Store and get your fix for just $2,000 per iPack.”

Apple superfan Frederick Clarke raved about the next generation iPhone’s sleek design and revolutionary expendability.


“I don’t know how these geniuses keep doing it, but the iPhone Loosie is a game-changer! Five-minute battery life, thin and brittle enough to snap in half if you hold it wrong, and best of all, with 20 in the iPack it only costs $100 per iPhone!” exclaimed Clarke, hands shaking as he slid out another Loosie. “These things are so addictive that I’m already on two iPacks a day. My only complaint is that everywhere I go some punk is asking if they can bum an iPhone, but I just tell them the last one is my iLucky.”

Samsung Research and Development Director Simon Song was already scrambling to develop an even more wasteful disposable phone.

“Goddammit, we were just months away from a new phone that explodes 10 seconds after you hang up like in Mission Impossible, Apple can’t keep getting away with this! Call an emergency meeting, I want the entire R&D building to drop everything and get me a Samsung Galaxy phone that disintegrates in your hands on my desk by Monday!” shouted Song, hurling a prototype into a wall. “See that dent in the wall? I want that phone to vaporize into billions of particles so small you can inhale them! I want to see the shimmering ash of rare earth minerals born from a million phones dancing on the wind! I want the next Samsung Galaxy to be so ephemeral philosophers need to reevaluate the very concept of existence!”

At press time, Apple was reportedly distributing free iPhone Loosies at schools across the country to get them hooked young.