BAR HARBOR, Maine — Local teenager Russ Mitchell, Jr. was uncomfortable and unsure where to direct his gaze yesterday after hearing his father say, “I…
ENDICOTT, N.Y. — A small punk community in central New York officially ran out of new scene members to fuck late yesterday evening, sources who…
MADRID — Valeria Lopez, the oldest millennial in the world, died late last night at the age of 39 following complications from a recent surgery,…
FORT WALTON BEACH, Fla. — A bowl of overnight oats successfully converted last week into a barely recognizable “glob of total shit” nearly one month…
JACKSON, Miss. — A Department of Sanitation report released early this morning stated that giant piles of garbage in passenger seats of messy cars across…
JERUSALEM — Local punk and Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ is reportedly running “an hour late, 90 minutes tops, bro” to rise at his own…
SANTA FE, N.M. — Democratic Presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke reportedly one-upped his countertop-hopping antics last night, crashing a high-school house party and asking if anyone…
LAS VEGAS — Legendary rude boy mascot Walt Jabsco, otherwise known as the logo for ska band The Specials, reportedly lost his 200th pair of…
Bernie Sanders Stuck with Six Gallons of Lentil Stew Following Poorly-Attended Food Not Bombs Meetup
Bernie Sanders Stuck with Six Gallons of Lentil Stew Following Poorly-Attended Food Not Bombs Meetup
LAFAYETTE, Ind. — Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders reportedly has nearly six gallons of uneaten lentil stew after a local Food Not Bombs meetup failed…
SALOME, Ariz. — A solitary box of floss given to local man Ed Walters nearly 20 years ago is also his lifetime supply of floss,…
STURGIS, S.D. — A three-year-old pair of Converse Chuck Taylor’s shoes were “fucking totally soaked” earlier today, thanks to inclement weather conditions and their overall…
CLEVELAND, Miss. — Local hardcore guy and “fucking wild man” Rodney O’Dell is reportedly having the best night of his life, watching one of his…
MORGANTOWN, W. Va. — Local woman Elle Bautista politely feigned interest moments ago after brunch date Cris Zahn revealed that she “had the fucking craziest…
CHICAGO — Aging punk and self-described optimist John “The Don” Bergeron has chosen to view his band’s current Midwestern 12-stop tour as “half over,” a…
Status Update Hijacked by Dad Wondering if You’re Coming Home for Mother’s Day
NORMAN, Okla. — A Facebook status update posted by Haute Sauce guitarist Julie Rice was hijacked today when her father “totally steamrolled” the comments section…