CHICAGO — Local punk Jacob Brown found his net worth has skyrocketed now that drink tickets are redeemable again at reopened venues across the city,…
CHICAGO — PUSHback frontman Chris Sheppard is now completely unrecognizable to his close friends and peers after not having gone to the gym throughout the…
BURLINGTON, Vt. — Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders announced today that he will put all of his unsold merchandise for sale on his Bandcamp following his…
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Local concertgoer Sam Byrne watched the entirety of Knife Rat’s set last night through the gauged ear of the man in…
CHICAGO — Local pervert Tommy Webster was surprised to discover yesterday a band named after mannequin pussy, his favorite fetish in the world, peeved out…
MONTREAL — Gildan CEO Glenn Chamandy left many people feeling vindicated today, admitting in a press conference that he has never once seen an actual…
DUBLIN — A local man excitedly caught a single drumstick last night at a Psychic Lizard show, and now reportedly has no idea what to…
DUBLIN — A local moron obviously blind to his own idiocy stood around last night with a brand-new Gildan shirt wadded up in his clammy…
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — A four-year-old golden retriever named Sadie is far and away the most productive member of local punk house, exasperated neighbors confirmed.…
DUBLIN, Calif. — A single pillar located inside the Voodoo Lounge allegedly has a physics-defying ability to block patrons’ view no matter where they stood,…
CHICAGO — Local man Mason Townsend is in stable condition this morning after being bit by an aggressive crust punk and involuntarily sprouting a dreadlock,…
Opinion: LOOK AT THAT LOSER WEARING EARPLUGS. I GO TO WAY MORE SHOWS AND MY HEARING IS FINE! …WHAT!?
Opinion: LOOK AT THAT LOSER WEARING EARPLUGS. I GO TO WAY MORE SHOWS AND MY HEARING IS FINE! …WHAT!?
OH MAN, LOOK AT THAT FUCKING GUY. HOW CAN YOU HEAR ANYTHING WITH THOSE THINGS IN? PEOPLE LIKE HIM ARE EXACTLY WHAT’S WRONG WITH PUNK…