HARDTIMES

September 10, 2021

CHICAGO — Local punk Jacob Brown found his net worth has skyrocketed now that drink tickets are redeemable again at…

February 9, 2021

CHICAGO — PUSHback frontman Chris Sheppard is now completely unrecognizable to his close friends and peers after not having gone…

April 8, 2020

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders announced today that he will put all of his unsold merchandise for sale…

February 17, 2020

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Local concertgoer Sam Byrne watched the entirety of Knife Rat’s set last night through the gauged…

January 21, 2020

CHICAGO — Local pervert Tommy Webster was surprised to discover yesterday a band named after mannequin pussy, his favorite fetish…

December 13, 2019

MONTREAL — Gildan CEO Glenn Chamandy left many people feeling vindicated today, admitting in a press conference that he has…

September 25, 2019

DUBLIN — A local man excitedly caught a single drumstick last night at a Psychic Lizard show, and now reportedly…

June 13, 2019

DUBLIN — A local moron obviously blind to his own idiocy stood around last night with a brand-new Gildan shirt…

June 6, 2019

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — A four-year-old golden retriever named Sadie is far and away the most productive member of local…

May 30, 2019

DUBLIN, Calif. — A single pillar located inside the Voodoo Lounge allegedly has a physics-defying ability to block patrons’ view…