Freelancer, Author at HARDTIMES

Nintendo Commits to Fully Develop, Promote, and Cancel Three New EarthBound Titles

July 28, 2017

REDMOND, Wash. — In a Nintendo Direct presentation today, Nintendo of America COO Reggie Fils-Aime revealed Nintendo’s upcoming plans to fully…

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Ex-Girlfriend Uninterested in Reuniting for Riot Fest

April 19, 2017

KENOSHA, Wis. — Kelsey Soto and Daniel Port will not be reuniting for Riot Fest 2017, despite the rumors swirling…

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Man Tragically Crowdkilled Two Days Before Mosh Retirement

March 17, 2017

PHILADELPHIA — Local coreman Alex Gonzalez was struck down by a hail of fists in a brutal crowdkilling incident at…

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Punk Having Midlife Crisis Drives New Harley Through Pit

January 21, 2017

ASTORIA, N.Y. -- A middle-aged man having a midlife crisis drove a Harley Davidson into a mosh pit on Friday…

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Tatooine Punk Complains Sarlacc Pits Used to Be Way Crazier Back in His Day

December 20, 2016

MOS EISLEY, Tatooine -- Brutal, untamed pits are held as a hallmark of any worthwhile scene. But according to one…

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NES Classic Edition Lets You Play for One Hour, Then It’s Your Little Brother’s Turn

December 10, 2016

REDMOND, Wash. -- Nintendo’s NES Classic drew sharp reactions from critics and fans alike this week with the announcement of…

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Man With Barcode Tattoo Successfully Returned for Store Credit

February 20, 2016

JERSEY CITY, NJ – Realizing her relationship was not working out, local woman Cynthia Jefferson decided to utilize her boyfriend’s…

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Guitarist Wakes Up From Five-Year Solo

January 6, 2016

HEMPSTEAD, NY - Family and friends of local guitarist James Kenney rejoiced early this morning, as the musician awoke from his coma-like state after playing…

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Guy Trying to Discreetly Fix Thing He Broke at House Show Gives Up

November 12, 2015

SARASOTA, Fla. – Sources confirmed show-goer Ethan Clark abandoned his panicked attempts to fix a lamp he broke during a…

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Old Guy Looking out of Place at Show Apparently Local Legend

October 21, 2015

PHILADELPHIA — The mysterious old guy seen wandering around aimlessly at last night’s show is apparently a local scene legend…

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