WATERLOO, Iowa — Christian rock superfan Keri Wilson has resolved not to go backstage after any concerts until she is a married woman, despite frequent invitations to break her vow, according to sources.
“I’ve been coming to Raise City concerts since I was in high school, and I’ll love and support that band always… but going backstage is where I draw the line,” Wilson explained. “I know what kind of stuff happens back there, and I only think it’s appropriate within the loving confine of a committed marriage.”
While adamantly against participating in after-show festivities, some of Wilson’s friends fail to see the harm in this common band-following ritual.
“I don’t know what Keri thinks happens back there,” said friend and fellow Raise City fan Jenna Halverson. “We usually play board games, and sometimes there’s beer, but it’s not like there’s a big sex orgy going on. Besides, Keri does plenty of other stuff that’s way dirtier — like that time after junior prom, when the dress her mom didn’t have time to finish hemming got ‘finished on’ anyway, if you know what I mean, thanks to Justin Demborowski. Everyone knows what’s up.”
Despite claims that Wilson’s boundaries “are fine, but don’t really make much sense,” Wilson stands by her decision to honor chastity by only doing stuff involving the butt, mouth, hands, over the clothes, and “when I’m on vacation.”
“Peeing in Rick [Triano’s] mouth in the back of a van outside a show in Cedar Rapids last summer does not count as sex, and that’s a medical fact,” Wilson insisted. “And if Jenna’s still talking crap about that time at the Des Moines Civic Center, nothing happened in that coat room with the bass player from Beat-ification besides a Rusty Trombone to get him going… and a little Disappearing Panda with the singer of Blezzed Game. And none of that stuff was backstage, so it’s all good.”
At press time, Wilson clarified she would not allow vaginal penetration behind the stage of any show, and that her boyfriend will have to settle for sticking it up her ass in other locations.