SEATTLE — Former ladies’ man Ethan Morrison ushered in a new, glorious era today in which he will show respect for exactly one woman, revealing his now-exclusive relationship status to friends and family, astonished sources confirmed.
“It is with a heavy heart that I lay to rest my days of indiscriminate fucking… but with immense pride and joy that I stand before you today a reformed man,” said the 28-year-old tech consultant. “A man in a loving, monogamous relationship with a woman who demands my respect if she is to have sex with me with any degree of consistency.”
“But I want to assure you: I will continue to ignore and dismiss any other woman that crosses my path, whether it be a work colleague, or even a boss,” he added. “Even if they are super hot, I’m simply not interested in them at all anymore.”
The announcement occurred at the behest of Morrison’s girlfriend Theresa O’Hara, and marks the first time in his life he has committed to a relationship enough to tell other people about it.
“All of his friends have been asking me how I managed to tie Ethan down,” said O’Hara as she casually leafed through an annotated copy of “The Art of Raising a Puppy” by The Monks of New Skete. “The answer is simple, really: I just had to make him see me as a complete, three-dimensional person with free agency, intelligence, and desires of my own. He can already tell other people that he’s in a committed relationship and knows that cheating is bad. I’m so proud of him.”
However, Morrison’s friends are puzzled at how he’s able to respect even one woman.
“Theresa must be great at sex to have him whipped like that. It just seems like so much effort to have to listen to a woman talk and like, hold the door open for them and shit,” said Morrison’s co-worker Franklin Grayson. “Because Ethan totally used to fuck. But ever since he met her, it’s like he’s totally forgotten about our #conquests Slack channel. And the worst part is, he’s making the rest of us look bad — do you have any idea how hard it is to get laid when your best friend has rebranded himself as a fucking bastion of feminism?”
By press time, Morrison had requested he and O’Hara enter a polyamorous relationship so he can try respecting multiple women at the same time.