ATLANTA — The Weather Channel delighted its fans early this morning by announcing their eagerly awaited 2019 hurricane lineup, setting off a flurry of excitement as markets soared.
“The Weather Channel is proud to present a full slate of all-new, never-before-seen hurricanes, sure to thrill loyal followers and devastate major cities on the Eastern Seaboard and Gulf of Mexico,” said Weather Channel spokeswoman Joyce Boros. “Hurricane fans are going to have a lot to talk about this year. If you’re in a coastal city, get your plywood now. And if you’re in the midwest, we highly suggest saving early for donations.”
With the announcement, Boros put to rest months of speculation.
“Hurricane Ralph will be a Category 5, just like our major hits with Irma, Ivan, and that ’90s classic, Andrew,” explained Boros. “If you’re anywhere in Florida this October, you can’t afford to miss it. This year will have one of the greatest achievements in hurricane carnage since 2005.”
Indeed, tropical storm devotees could hardly contain their excitement.
“They’ve been on a golden streak these last few years,” said superstorm superfan Derrick Bazzoli of Kittery, Maine. “The 2017 lineup knocked it out of the park, but losing my car in Hurricane Sandy in 2012 was a real highlight for me, too. Maybe this year a bitchin’ ‘cane could destroy the house I grew up in or something.”
Some, however, were more skeptical.
“If you ask me, there hasn’t been a real hit since Rita,” said Alyssia Hurst of Galveston, Texas. “That was a masterpiece. But since then, they’ve been running on fumes and just coasting on those warmer oceans. Back in the early 2000s, these storms had to be way more aggressive to lay down real damage.”
Nevertheless, Boros is confident 2019’s hurricanes will be bigger and stronger than ever.
“Conservative estimate? This year’s lineup will wreak over $500 billion in damages and take more than 3,000 lives,” she proclaimed. “We strongly believe everyone will come away satisfied.”