This one goes out to my REAL problem drinkers. Saturday is St. Patrick’s Day, which is basically Comic-Con for Poser Alcoholics, and that means all the best puking spots will be occupied by people who think Irish Car Bombs are seasonal, when any REAL drinker knows they’re available year round at any reputable brunch establishment or in the hatchback of my car.
This is a problem because you cannot avoid these people. It’s not like you’re not going to drink on St. Paddy’s Day. It is a DAY, after all. But there’s a solution- common law states that possession is 9/10th of the law so if you coat a spot with your vomit, you own it. So grab a Mickeys and follow me!
The Alley
DO NOT SPEW IN THE ALLEY NEXT TO THE BAR YOU WERE DRINKING AT. That’s a total poser move. Plus, they might ban you. If you can wait, try to make it to an alley next to a bar that has already 86’d you. Revenge is best served body temperature and sour-smelling.
Bushes
Your vomit has organic matter in it so honestly you’re probably helping them grow. Bonus fun fact: you can also sleep in bushes if you can’t make it home.
Other People
Spite puke on the posers stealing your good vom spots, but be prepared for a fight. If you’re gonna puke on a person, do it on someone who will not retaliate like an unaccompanied minor. What’s he doing out this late on St. Patrick’s Day anyway? Teach that kid a lesson. It takes a village to raise a child so do your part by puking on a kid’s head.
Related: Just Because I Don’t Drink Anymore Doesn’t Mean I Have to Stop Puking in Ubers
Bank of America ATM
Puke on banks. Read Marx. Beware the security cameras.
Your Ex’s Front Porch
Don’t feel bad! You had to clean up your heart when they left you because you refused to clean up your act, so now they can clean up your puke in the harsh, bright Sunday morning light. And good luck trying to scrape it up without the shovel you stole from their shed.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
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Article by Allison Mick @allison_mick