LOS ANGELES — On-and-off Misfits singer Glenn Danzig was completely scared straight after visits from the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present, and Future, confirmed sources.
“After the Ghost of Halloween Past took me back in time to when I made Doyle Wolfgang Von Frankenstein work late on October 31, I knew I had to change my ways,” said Danzig while carrying a box of cat litter to his car. “I’ll be honest, the Ghost of Halloween Future made some solid points about what my life could look like in 10 years if I continued to sue former bandmates over merchandising rights. I awoke the next morning a new man. I opened my window and asked the nearest boy what day it was. He simply said, ‘Why, Mr. Danzig, it’s Halloween morning.’ That’s when I knew there was still time to right those whom I have wronged. Except for Jerry Only. Fuck that guy.”
The Ghost of Halloween Present admitted they were just playing a prank on the horror punk singer.
“We were primarily just trying to freak him out a little because we saw a Christmas movie where they did that to some curmudgeon once and thought it would be funny, but he took it as some sort of internal enlightenment or teaching moment. That’s not how ghosts work. What a dork,” said the spectre on his way to the singer of Bauhaus’ home. “All I did was show him his present day, which was just him lint rolling his black T-shirt for an hour to get cat hair off. From that day on, he vowed to wear only white shirts because it hides the cat hair way more efficiently. I guess my job here is done.”
Paranormal investigators are witnessing an uptick in this sort of phenomenon.
“We’ve been seeing a lot of holiday-related ghosts spooking unsuspecting musicians,” said Leon Bramford. “It wasn’t too long ago that the Ghosts of St. Patrick’s Day Past, Present, and Future visited the Dropkick Murphys. Ever since, they’ve vowed to drink only non-alcoholic Guinness. And then just this year, the Ghosts of Fourth of July Past, Present, and Future teamed up to give Kid Rock a little scare. Kid Rock didn’t change at all though. Those conservatives never try to work on themselves despite valuable information they are given.”
At press time, Danzig’s new lease on life inspired him to donate $666 worth of Spirit Halloween costumes to charity.
