CORAL GABLES, Fla. — Experts at the University of Miami determined through rigorous research that the most common sleep paralysis demon among individuals who attended college in 2010 is none other than American DJ Skrillex.
“We theorize that it’s a combination of the shitty music, terrifying hair, and just a splash of dark magic that made for such a potent and universal sleep paralysis demon experience,” explained Noelle Phillips, lead researcher on the team at UMiami. “It was seemingly almost an inescapable experience for any of those poor souls, and it was even worse for anyone who had the misfortune of attending a party school. We have found that students from Brigham Young seem to be immune.”
After the news broke, reactions came in from individuals across the nation who have been struggling with this affliction.
“I’m just so relieved to know I’m not alone,” said Nick Klein, unfortunate millennial. “I thought I was going crazy. I mean, can you even call that a side part? What is that? Terrifying! And whenever he shows up in my dreams he tries to talk to me but it just comes out in horrid wubs and dubs. You have no idea how scary an experience that is to go through alone. But now I know I’m not alone. I’ve actually begun attending a support group for others who are going through the same thing. It’s called Killex. Mostly so far we talk about killing Skrillex.”
Renowned mental health professional and therapist Sarah Perretta shared her expert take on this phenomenon.
“It’s something I’ve been seeing more and more of over the past decade and a half,” said Perretta. “Sleep paralysis can be incredibly distressing at the best of times, and adding to that a recurring visual hallucination can be deeply traumatic. I haven’t seen this many people in active recovery for a collective sleep paralysis demon since Mickey Rourke’s face got like that. But it makes sense because the music was absolutely inescapable during that time and has a certain inherent demonic quality. And I don’t even believe in demons. I think it’s going to take targeted efforts at the individual outreach level as well as the public education level to help people overcome their frankly understandable fear of this man.”
At press time, the research team confirmed that Asher Roth comes in a close second.
