AUSTIN, Texas — President Trump confirmed that he secretly abandoned a scheduled appearance on The Joe Rogan Experience due to an Iranian death threat, instead appearing last minute on Theo Von’s This Past Weekend.
“It was the Secret Service’s call,” President Trump told reporters in Von’s green room. “I do whatever they tell me to do, unless they tell me to go on one of the radical left communist podcasts — that’s right, no Call Her Daddy for your favorite president. She’s gorgeous but a little on the old side if you ask me. I don’t feel too bad for ‘Sleepy’ Joe Rogan—that’s what they’ll be calling him after his low-rated program airs without me. We left ‘Expendable’ Marco Rubio and ‘Cannon Fodder’ Scott Bessent at the ‘decoy podcast’, which is what I think they’re calling it. ‘It’s for national security,’ they told me. Godspeed to them.”
Rogan learned about the change of plans as he sat down for an eight-hour recording session with Shane Gillis, Jordan Peterson, and Casey Anthony.
“No—is that real? That can’t be real—look this up, Jamie,” Rogan said, as Rubio and Bessent peered in from the hallway. “It is real? I mean, he is the president— he should be able to put a podcast host’s life at risk, even if it’s you or me, right? Jamie, can you check the missile defense system on the studio? Wow, I’m starting to think that this is not what I voted for. Didn’t he say ‘no more wars’? Did he say that, Jamie? And now our podcast studio is a target in a war? Oh my god, oh my god. I think I’m feeling the shrooms.”
A U.S. intelligence official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, explained that cancelling an appearance on The Joe Rogan Experience is not standard protocol.
“It’s actually very unusual for someone to cancel a Rogan appearance,” the official said. “Everyone knows that Rogan can make or break you—even as the president—and giving up that opportunity is simply not done. The only reason I could think why Trump would agree to this is fear of bombing. I mean, sure, Iran wants the guy dead, but he was probably just afraid of getting behind the microphone and bombing. Trump is used to doing his material in front of huge crowds—sometimes 35, 40 people. But on Rogan, it’s just you and the other guests, and if you can’t get on their good side, they’ll eat you alive.”
At press time, Von was attempting to refocus his conversation with the president on a mysterious folklore creature he referred to as “swamp yeti”.
