DETROIT — Progressive Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed’s defeat of centrist Nikki Haley raised alarm bells for establishment Democrats, according to weeping DNC sources.
“We’re all in shock. We did everything right and still El-Sayed won. AIPAC gave us tens of millions, and it didn’t end up mattering,” said Democratic strategist Noelle Casterlain from Nikki Haley’s empty campaign office. “The DNC prides itself on being inclusive, but one can’t help but notice there’s a frightening pattern of frankly extremist Muslim candidates winning out of nowhere and imposing their radical ideology. Sure, they run on providing affordable healthcare and housing, but at what cost? Strategists like myself rely on propping up milquetoast, acquiescent candidates who promise nothing and deliver less. We’re not equipped to deal with sea changes like this. You know our motto: ‘Status Quo or Go Home’.”
At press time, Chuck Schumer had scheduled an emergency appearance on Real Time with Bill Maher to explain how Medicare for All would be terrible for average folks like his friends the Baileys.
