WASHINGTON — Some Homeland Security agents tasked with monitoring Reddit discussions have a difficult time not commenting, sources within the department confirm.
“This might come as a surprise to some people, but DHS monitors everything that is said and done online, especially when it comes to reality television dating series commentary,” said agent Wilson Beringer. “In the interest of national security and all that, I was assigned to the Reddit beat a few years ago, figuring it would be an easy gig. However, one of the subs they put me on was ‘The Golden Bachelor.’ We’re supposed to maintain a professional distance, but sometimes the users’ takes are so wrong that I have no choice but to fire back. Last week some idiot was saying that Mel and Peg were a bad match! I just had let this person know what an utter moron they were, though I probably shouldn’t have had my full name along with ‘Official DHS Agent’ as my username. I’m in deep now.”
Fellow agent Denise Spalding, who monitors the main “Game of Thrones” subreddit, also has trouble staying out of the fray.
“That sub is full of wild speculation on how ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ will play out—if it’s ever finished, that is,” said Spalding. “Sometimes I’ll weigh in with a comment about what I think will happen. The thing is, I actually know how it will end because I’m also in charge of monitoring George R. R. Martin himself. He writes on an antiquated word processor, which I can’t access remotely. However, I am able to get into his home security cameras and I’ve taken screenshots of his whiteboard. Wait until those idiot redditors find out I was right about Hot Pie becoming the King of the Seven Kingdoms—not Bran.”
Government watchdogs like the Electronic Freedom Foundation have been warning about the impending surveillance state for decades.
“Certain federal agencies have always done a bit of domestic spying, but 9/11 and the PATRIOT Act really kicked it into overdrive,” said Peggy Fleming of the EFF. “Now law-abiding citizens aren’t even able to engage in conversations about their favorite movies and shows online without the government watching—and in some cases actively participating. Social media is crawling with feds trying to influence discourse. I can’t prove it just yet, but I’m convinced I was arguing with a federal agent about the end of ‘Bugonia’ the other day on Instagram.”
At press time, agent Wilson had been put on paid leave after he swatted a Reddit user who accused Golden Bachelor Mel of being a narcissist.
