WEST FARGO, N.D. — Roger Heasley, the merch guy for rock band Buckcherry, wants you to know that he thinks he found a shirt that doesn’t have any scabies on it if you’re still interested.
“Wait, this one might be clean,” Heasley reported from the bottom of a pile of shirts. “Yeah, it doesn’t look like it has any scabies crawling around it like the others did. Are you still interested? It’s an XXL, and I know you were looking for a Medium, but honestly, it’ll shrink in the wash if you’re the type of person who does laundry. It’s a Gildan, so it’s not like any size would fit you well anyway. The design is really cool, too, with a naked girl covered in tattoos. I guess I didn’t really notice how much I liked it until I saw it without tiny arachnids scurrying around on its surface. I might just snatch it up for myself if you’re not going to take it.”
You reacted to Heasley’s news.
“Wait, he was able to find one that wasn’t infected with pubic mites?” you questioned as you headed back to the merch table. “I’ll have to take a look at it, because I find that hard to believe. I’m surprised I’m the first person here to have a problem with that, but everyone else in line seemed pretty unfazed by the widespread infection. Granted, I was the only person who didn’t have dried vomit on my shirt, but still. I would’ve thought these people would draw the line at vermin-covered merch. I couldn’t have been more wrong, though.”
Buckcherry singer Josh Todd was in disbelief that a piece of his band’s tour merch could be untouched by the affliction.
“Dude, there’s no way we have a shirt without scabies on it,” Todd admitted. “I think we all collectively caught it from the glory hole in that truck stop outside Flagstaff, and that was only on the second day of the tour. Frankly, I’m surprised we lasted an entire day without scabies on this run. That must be some kind of record for us. This is the strongest strain I’ve seen, too. I swear they’re evolving, because I saw one of them walking around my pubes on two feet yesterday.”
At press time, Heasley had clarified that the absence of scabies did not necessarily mean the shirt was devoid of all sexually transmitted infections.
