EAST TROY, Wis. — Content creator and raw milk advocate Chaz Mossner announced his advocacy of diarrhea today via TikTok live stream, massively dehydrated sources confirmed.
“As my hundred of thousands of followers know, government regulation is bullshit,” declared Mossner, sitting on the toilet for the third consecutive hour. “I believe in food freedom. If I want to drink raw milk filled with so-called ‘pathogens,’ that’s my right. It’s in the Constitution, look it up. Literally no one can tell me what I can and can’t do to my body. The explosive diarrhea is just a sign that my body craves unpasteurized liquids.”
Longtime Mossner follower and MAHA supporter Brayden Peterson discussed the benefits of raw milk.
“Bruh, I drink raw milk so my body literally shits out all the toxins on the daily,” said Peterson, his stomach gurgling loudly. “Listen, my body’s in a constant state of flux. And by ‘flux,’ I mean I’m constantly shitting my goddamn brains out. Total efficiency. Everything out, all the time. Can’t get food poisoning if you can’t digest anything. Chaz taught me the value of having liquid bowel movements several times per day, including incredible weight loss. These abs are all natty, bruh, and all it takes is the frequent risk of shitting my pants at work.”
Epidemiologist Dr. Ann Blihovde explained the foolishness of this new health trend.
“Dangerous health fads like raw milk or MAHA are just grifts, pure and simple,” argued Dr. Blihovde. “And they always hurt the followers rather than the influencers and advocates because the latter are mostly doing it performatively or ironically for content. Look at those maxxing idiots. They don’t believe any of this nonsense, but their followers eat—or, in this case, drink—it up and wind up in the emergency room. Influencers are grifters, and we live in the golden age of grifting. That said, even if you’re giving yourself explosive diarrhea ironically or to prove a point, you’re still giving yourself explosive diarrhea.”
At press time, Mossner suggested drinking syrup of ipecac as a potential alternative to raw milk in the event that “they” step in and take away citizens’ food freedom.
