DETROIT — Punk financial dominatrix Sierra “Piss” Richardson nearly doubled her clientele in three days after pivoting to bullying area punks out of their cigarettes, she announced on social media earlier today.
“I am first and foremost a goddess who deserves to be showered with money by pathetic men who love to do what they’re told, but close behind is my love of hanging out in front of venues, smoking Camels and looking hot. But have you seen the prices of cigarettes now? I’m not one of those top 0.01% OnlyFans models who can go out and buy a carton whenever they please. But once I started negging punks outside of the bar, they’ve been practically begging to neg them in exchange for loosies,” said Richardson. “Anyone who’s hit on me outside the bar between sets has voluntarily handed over entire packs after I fire back that they’re too weak for the pit. Something about fishnet stockings scolding them like their mother has proven mutually beneficial.”
Richardson’s new following were gladly giving up their cigarettes for a chance to be noticed by her.
“I was trying to impress her by saying I knew the headliner, and she responded by making me name every member of Streetlight Manifesto in reverse alphabetical order and accused my dad of bankrolling my lifestyle. Next thing I knew I was handing over the last of my Marlboros, but I’d never been more turned on in my life,” said Kyle Williams. “Fuck the show, I’m heading to the gas station to buy more cigarettes. You think she’ll call me a poser and spit in my face if I ask nicely enough?”
Psychologists noted this kind of power dynamic induced sexual gratification was nothing new.
“Punks are all ‘fuck authority’ until they want to actually fuck authority. This was proven in a study a few years back that found 78% of punk men would voluntarily hand over all their money to anyone who looked like Siouxsie Sioux,” said Dr. Joyce Brownstein. “But punks don’t like to offer up cash, lest they reveal themselves a sellout, so they’ll offer up other things that are arguably just as valuable like drink tickets, swiped band merch, or couches to crash on.”
As of press time, Richardson publicly shamed one of her subs in the venue parking lot after he had the audacity to offer her a bubblegum vape instead of Camel Blues.
