STANFORD, Calif. — Sociologists at Stanford University found that suddenly walking away from a conversation with teenage retail workers while muttering the word “ridiculous” is still the best way to let them know you’re displeased.
“This was an extensive field study,” said head researcher Anna Fairgold. “And we conclusively discovered that overpaid and underworked teenagers employed at soulless corporations totally care when you storm away from them while shaking your head and saying ‘ridiculous.’ In virtually every instance, the workers were extremely upset that they couldn’t help you retrieve an item that you accidentally scheduled for pickup at another location, or recognize a 30% off sticker that had expired the previous day. Your method of letting them know you’re incensed really gets through to them, so you definitely should keep doing it.”
Frequent displeased customer Sandra Kessel was vindicated by the findings.
“I’ve known this for years, but it’s nice to have it confirmed,” Kessel noted. “It’s my go-to for getting through to, say, a swamped 17-year-old Target employee who’s operating the only open checkout lane. I just know that when I pull out this card, they’ll be beside themselves with grief for having lost me, and not relieved in the slightest for having one less customer to deal with. My business is valuable, so I’m going to continue making these kids feel awful if they’re not able to pull whatever strings are needed to keep it.”
Teenage Walmart worker Joe Gerken reacted to the news.
“Oh, no, please don’t do that,” Gerken remarked as he hit a vape pen outside the store. “The last thing in the world that I want when I clock in for my 12-hour shift that barely covers the gas it costs for me to drive to work is to not be harassed by patrons. I definitely have a personal stake in the best interests of our customers that goes above and beyond the amount I need to care to ensure my boss doesn’t bother me about it. I want everyone who comes into this store to know that, if they have a complaint that I’m unable to resolve, walking away and giving me some peace and quiet would be the absolute worst outcome.”
At press time, the same study found that telling these workers you’ll no longer shop at the chains employing them really makes them feel bad about not doing enough to assist you.
